I went out with Judith just now, in my determination not to isolate myself for two and a half months before As (or three and a half till the end of As). Unfortunately my dinner was interrupted unceremoniously by many messages regarding a certain final report (which, by the way, I sacrificed one entire day of studying for, waiting for the email and all) and many phone calls that I had to make. By the way, sister dear, next time can you not send so many sms-es regarding the same thing? I got three just to say that you blogged, and usually in your desire to communicate your urgency to everyone else you send messages by phone too, which can be irritating if you're in front of the computer, checking your sms-es and email and having to pick up ringing phones all at once.

Back to Judith. It's quite ironical that the very friend I found "zi1 ji3" in sec 2 has all along been, and now more so than ever, so different from me. Contrary to what I had believed in earlier, our friendship seems to have been based on these very differences rather than our similarities; and looking back, many of our conversations were so interesting precisely because we disagreed--but we had similar enough interests to disagree in the same topic. Oh yar, I forgot to tell you, Olio Dome has now become "Olio" and "Dome", which I discovered thanks to Yiling, so now the one above Borders is "Olio". Weird.

I was frankly quite surprised today to find my ambitions being called "scary". Well, unusual, yes, but really I've never thought of it quite in this way before. I am past the earlier stages of deliberation--wondering about the meaning of nations among civilisations that rise and fall in this huge tapestry of life; thinking if I deserve to seek such a huge responsibility, based on both ability and moral character (and whether I will do more good than harm); deciding if it is indeed what I seek for in my life path. All that is left now is a crystallised, single minded obsession, driven by a vague vision I had years ago. A vision that contained more emotion than detail, causing me to seek fruitlessly and continuously for an answer; one that caught me more by the strange uplifting of my heart at that blurred image than my comprehension of exactly what it signified. A dream that I have dedicated myself to, but will probably never see come to fruit in my lifetime.

Scary? Come to think of it, perhaps. It frightens me a little, how far I've come due to this dream. For those who see my faults now have never truly known me before and after many of my transitions--all that I have fought for and what I have achieved. Everything that I feel I have done wrong, or could have done better, makes a mark on my mind, cumulating into a kind of conscious regret for what I am now and what I could be. For all that others may think of me, the lack of self-knowledge should not be an issue--big and small faults: something I've said wrongly, an attitude I should have had right from the start but is too late to change now, little nuances of my behaviour that is either offensive or just plain weird to others are clearer to me than to anyone else. I am determined to eliminate each one to the utmost of my ability, even those considered facets of personality that cannot be changed. Every success is a personal victory.

One of the few major breakthroughs, I feel, for me is admitting to myself what I want and my own inadequacies in not achieving it. For almost all my secondary school years I have used a lack of desire as an excuse not to try, or for my own under-performance, when in fact it was a deep set fear of failure. I know that I want good grades, and I haven't achieved them not because they were never that important to me, or because of my commitment to other activities, but due to plain laziness, a lack of will and sometimes pure stupidity (nicely described as a lack of academic inclination). While in the past I found others' efforts to find excuses for me comforting, I now find them patronising, though I know intentions are kind. I find nagging more irritating than ever, because it's going to make scant difference.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that even great leaders were not born perfect, but had to learn to be who they become. I have accepted, though, that there are certain limits to determination, from the constant frustration of seeking something that I just cannot do, do not have. Like words that come to the edge of my mind when I wish to express myself clearly. Most of all, I have learned not to judge others too quickly, because I can see in my mind's eye how people see me.

And by the time I go to sleep, wake up fresh, go for the Econs talk tomorrow, come back and read this entry, I will probably wonder if I was dumb to type all this and how I could have said it better. Just that, like for so many other things, I wouldn't know quite how to change it.