Well, since it may be some time before I go online again, here are a few interesting facts about China and my company.
1) Zebra crossings and traffic lights in China are not really pedestrain crossings, more like a legal jaywalking area. Generally traffic here follows the "biggest rules" law in this order: buses, cars, motorbikes/bicycles, humans. I have discovered the safest way to cross is to walk quickly with a large group of people, so that you won't be the one knocked down first.
2) During mealtimes, we have this strange habit of either a) talking about shit and various disgusting stuff, or b) describing the lives of whatever animal we are eating. Here are a few examples:
(while eating sparrows)
"Think of all those cute little birds."
(while eating goat meat)
"Hey, remember the goat we were petting just now?"
And this conversation during dinnertime which prompted me to type all this (we were having a KFC meal to see the difference between SG KFC and China KFC):
Chengping: "This chicken tastes very fresh."
Brenda: "Really? How do you know it's fresh?"
Chengping: "Erm, because it's tender?"
Me: "Aiyah, it just tastes fresh. There's no need to analyse it."
Amanda: "But maybe it's tender because it's fatty chicken."
Me: "Young chicken?"
Amanda: "But you never get young chicken. I mean, they'll be quite old."
Me: "Ok, adolescent chicken."
Amanda: "Ok, adolescent chicken."
Brenda (in her usual, pessimistic way): "They're probably just injected with hormones."
Amanda (catching our looks and trying to be reassuring): "Don't worry, they're probably female hormones so it's good for us."
Me: "Erm..."
Brenda: "Full of antibodies."
Anyway, that's about it. The rest of the conversation was somewhat less exciting. You get the idea of the general theme of our talk.
3) 4/5 of us are rather addicted to the computer, something that was not that evident until one was available to us. Brenda, especially, looked like she had struck gold and was not going to let go of it. You should have seen her oozing insincerity while asking Amanda if she wanted to use the computer.
Day 4:
Monday, I think. We met Nankun, who reached around midnight the night before. We toured bei hai gong yuan and walked around some old residential buildings. In the evening we went to this food street, where we ate sparrows, silkworm coocoons, smelly tofu and BBQ lamb. Generally I just liked the lamb. When we returned we met Chengping, NK's friend and another girl we're going with, and we ate Peking duck.
Day 5:
Flew to Chengdu. It was free and easy the day we landed so we went to a park and visited a teahouse. I loved the park--it was one for locals and not a touristy place we were all so used to. I was watching the senior citizens dance and I was contemplating how they seemed to be enjoying themselves so much. At night we got treated to this ma la huo guo by this friend of Mrs. Huang.
Ok, I'm a bit sick of blogging. Will continue another day.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
At my mother's insistence, here is an update on what has happened to me so far in China. For someone who did not bring a camera, I took a lot of pictures, mainly by shamelessly placing myself in front of the lens. So much has happened; I can't believe it has only been one week.
Day one:
We arrived in Beijing at around nine plus at night. Our flight was delayed for an hour because the pilot had some accident and there had to be a last minute change, then we had to wait at the Beijing airport because the terminal was full. The Hong Kong airport and Beijing airport were both quite nice, but I think airports generally give the same feel once they are of a certain level. When we arrived in Beijing there were so many people at the arrival gate that we just walked past Dr. Huang without seeing him. Fortunately he decided that it had to be us and came to look for us.
The apartment we were living in lies in an area that could be considered the "silicon valley" of China; it has a number of universities and research institues. It's about half an hour's drive from the airport and has an extremely secure door. Our hosts were very warm and kept stuffing us. Plus help us book tickets etc.
We had slight bad luck with apartments on the first day. We lived by ourselves on the tenth floor. I had very hot water at first which switched suddenly to icy cold water. Brenda had cold water and Amanda had slightly warm water. The doors also had a scary auto lock tendency; the toilet locked by itself behind her. We were too embarrassed to call the hosts and were panicking. Thankfully we managed to open it with a ruler. Then later when I went into the room I got locked on the inside, and Brenda and Amanda had to get the keys to open it.
The next few days we had no problems, though. Hot water and everything, lalala.
Day two:
We went to Summer Palace with Mrs. Huang and spent the whole day there. It was rather crowded because it was a Saturday. It also rained the earlier part of the day. The part where I really found fun was the boat ride, where we learned more about the tunnel effect because we were, well, trying to go through a tunnel. It was a pedal boat.
Day three:
We woke up at 3.30 am to watch the flag raising at Tian An Men. Unfortunately the sun had risen by the time the flag rose, and it was very crowded, so it wasn't as spectacular as it could have been. We went to the Forbidden City, which was really really crowded because it was Sunday. Then we went KTV and dinner with some students from Nanyang Poly on attachment there; it was fun. Went back dead tired.
Ok, that's it for now. More later.
Day one:
We arrived in Beijing at around nine plus at night. Our flight was delayed for an hour because the pilot had some accident and there had to be a last minute change, then we had to wait at the Beijing airport because the terminal was full. The Hong Kong airport and Beijing airport were both quite nice, but I think airports generally give the same feel once they are of a certain level. When we arrived in Beijing there were so many people at the arrival gate that we just walked past Dr. Huang without seeing him. Fortunately he decided that it had to be us and came to look for us.
The apartment we were living in lies in an area that could be considered the "silicon valley" of China; it has a number of universities and research institues. It's about half an hour's drive from the airport and has an extremely secure door. Our hosts were very warm and kept stuffing us. Plus help us book tickets etc.
We had slight bad luck with apartments on the first day. We lived by ourselves on the tenth floor. I had very hot water at first which switched suddenly to icy cold water. Brenda had cold water and Amanda had slightly warm water. The doors also had a scary auto lock tendency; the toilet locked by itself behind her. We were too embarrassed to call the hosts and were panicking. Thankfully we managed to open it with a ruler. Then later when I went into the room I got locked on the inside, and Brenda and Amanda had to get the keys to open it.
The next few days we had no problems, though. Hot water and everything, lalala.
Day two:
We went to Summer Palace with Mrs. Huang and spent the whole day there. It was rather crowded because it was a Saturday. It also rained the earlier part of the day. The part where I really found fun was the boat ride, where we learned more about the tunnel effect because we were, well, trying to go through a tunnel. It was a pedal boat.
Day three:
We woke up at 3.30 am to watch the flag raising at Tian An Men. Unfortunately the sun had risen by the time the flag rose, and it was very crowded, so it wasn't as spectacular as it could have been. We went to the Forbidden City, which was really really crowded because it was Sunday. Then we went KTV and dinner with some students from Nanyang Poly on attachment there; it was fun. Went back dead tired.
Ok, that's it for now. More later.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
I am going to die when I reach China. Well, not die, maybe just collapse on the Great Wall or Huangshan or something equally drastic. I haven't worked out for weeks. I'm becoming lard. I haven't started packing. I haven't even bought a backpack. I haven't made my spectacles, or gone to the dentist, or bought new shoes and sandals, or done a whole lot of things I'm supposed to do. It has hit me, truly hit me, that I'm leaving next week. NEXT WEEK. Next Friday, to be exact. In the morning, which leaves me even less time.
Worse still, I have my tuition kids to settle, SCGS last training and their schedule for holidays. ACJC intercollegiate finals are on wednesday too, which means I'll be busy until then. ANd VJIP, although there's Felda to help with that, thank goodness. ARGHSRGHARGH.
I went to Batam with my sister on Thursday and Friday, and came back with a number of little realisations. There were many buildings left half-constructed and left standing, a pity because the after some time, the scaffolding could no longer be used. Apparently the reason for this was that the Indonesian governement was torn between developing Batam as a tourist resort or as an industrial city. At first they decided to go for tourism. So they got investors in and all. Then halfway through, they decided to change to industries, and all the original investors pulled out. Then there was an economic crisis, and nothing could be built.
It was such a sad waste. There was little infrastructure coordination--there were resorts in the middle of nowhere, shopping centres in the middle of nowhere and restaurants in the middle of nowhere. Transport costs for tourists were exorbitant, because there was no gurantee for taxi-drivers. My advice for future visitors to Batam to book a resort near town, like Island Garden resort or something, because the hotel taxi fares would make up the difference.
Despite all that, we did have fun. Ate and slept and ate and slept. The facilities were nice after all.
Worse still, I have my tuition kids to settle, SCGS last training and their schedule for holidays. ACJC intercollegiate finals are on wednesday too, which means I'll be busy until then. ANd VJIP, although there's Felda to help with that, thank goodness. ARGHSRGHARGH.
I went to Batam with my sister on Thursday and Friday, and came back with a number of little realisations. There were many buildings left half-constructed and left standing, a pity because the after some time, the scaffolding could no longer be used. Apparently the reason for this was that the Indonesian governement was torn between developing Batam as a tourist resort or as an industrial city. At first they decided to go for tourism. So they got investors in and all. Then halfway through, they decided to change to industries, and all the original investors pulled out. Then there was an economic crisis, and nothing could be built.
It was such a sad waste. There was little infrastructure coordination--there were resorts in the middle of nowhere, shopping centres in the middle of nowhere and restaurants in the middle of nowhere. Transport costs for tourists were exorbitant, because there was no gurantee for taxi-drivers. My advice for future visitors to Batam to book a resort near town, like Island Garden resort or something, because the hotel taxi fares would make up the difference.
Despite all that, we did have fun. Ate and slept and ate and slept. The facilities were nice after all.
Monday, May 09, 2005
I copied this off someone, but it was too funny to resist.
Things people actually said in court
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
Things people actually said in court
Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
On the subject of eyebags
As I was looking in the mirror just now I was reminded of a conversation my friends and I had some time ago, after a Star Wars movie marathon at Brenda's place. The lift we all trooped into on the way down had a reflective panel, so instinctively, we started examining our faces.
(I can't remember exactly how it went, but I think I started it.)
Me: I have eyebags.
Xin Min: So do I.
Brenda (pessimistically): We all have eyebags.
Me: I didn't use to have them before!
Amanda: Aiyah, but yours are not so bad already. Look at mine.
Hui Chu: I have an eyebag within an eyebag.
XIn Min (gloomily): Double layered eyebags.
Oh well. It pretty much ended there, because the lift stopped and we all trooped out, without the distracting mirror surface to remind us of our flaws. I'm just rambling.
I usually avoid writing overly personal stuff in my blog, but I suddenly have an urge to expound on my feelings today to someone, just anyone. Strangely, I find it easier to do so to a nameless audience than to my sister or my friends--the complicated process of sharing my woes, explaining my experiences and getting advised in turn is simply too exhausting. I need to bitch in peace, without subjecting myself to the judgement of others and their good-intentioned solutions. Talking takes too much effort.
How can I feel so lonely, yet crave so much for the lack of human contact? I find myself weighed down by a constant frustration that remains uneased; I dislike what I am becoming; I hate having to make the painful decisions between my responsibilities, obligations, relationships, desires and personal ambition. I feel like a battery that gets totally depleted, charges a little on the Sunday afternoon truly free to me, then depletes totally again during the week. I need time by myself, time to think about my life. Quality time with my friends, not something squeezed in between two events. Quantity time with my family--it doesn't even have to be very impactful; I just have to hang around in the house.
But of course, everything is my own bloody choice. I imagine responsibilities due to me, blow them out of proportion, shackle myself needlessly to too many commitments. True, true. But just for the record, I FREAKING HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT. No reason, actually. Rationally, it's correct. I JUST FREAKING HATE IT. I'm cranky, I know. But how many people know how difficult it is for me to choose between them? It's a selfish belief that no one not me will truly understand. Forgive me.
And that's, of course, assuming that I'm fulfilling them in the first place. But I'm not, and I do know it. Perhaps too many tasks lead to the failure of all of them, but I cling on to the self-delusion that I should still keep them. So many parties that I am compromising--VJ, my family, my friends. Even my tuition pupils. SCGS too, a little, when I leave for China. ARGH. I know! I really do know, and I'm sorry for it. Don't worry, to people who are inclined to offer me reassurances to make me feel better, this is not a self-destructive, fishing-for-comfort speech. I think that's just tiring for both sides. I'm facing up to reality, perhaps in a somewhat angsty tone. And this doesn't change the fact that I would sacrifice each one in turn for another sometime in the future.
Then it always boils down to this: would I achieve? Can I? My one redeeming point is that I'm not in the habit of running away from my mistakes. I've made so many, and I think of them near daily. But sometimes I have to admit to myself that it is just a lack of capability, will, determination--qualities that I should have cultivated but I haven't.
During my period of depression in JC I cried a little here and there, but this is different--there are no tears to shed. It is not darkness that weighs down on my soul, but endless frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, and the simmering irritation that comes with too much human contact. I need peace.
My father could be losing his job in a few months time. SingTel is discussing the sale for the entire division he is working in, which means about 80+ people could be laid off. I'm not worried about finances; my sister has graduated and I'm old enough to start supporting myself. We have sufficient savings. What I feel upset about is the fact that he is still an energetic, vigorous man, who takes pride in his work. I feel like my parents are both losing an important part of their lives--my mother, her dedication to the pupils and her health; my father, his work.
Life is about weathering one crisis after another, I presume, because I feel like one crisis after another has been appearing for the last one-and-a-half years. It is our strength and affection for each other that carry us through.
As I was looking in the mirror just now I was reminded of a conversation my friends and I had some time ago, after a Star Wars movie marathon at Brenda's place. The lift we all trooped into on the way down had a reflective panel, so instinctively, we started examining our faces.
(I can't remember exactly how it went, but I think I started it.)
Me: I have eyebags.
Xin Min: So do I.
Brenda (pessimistically): We all have eyebags.
Me: I didn't use to have them before!
Amanda: Aiyah, but yours are not so bad already. Look at mine.
Hui Chu: I have an eyebag within an eyebag.
XIn Min (gloomily): Double layered eyebags.
Oh well. It pretty much ended there, because the lift stopped and we all trooped out, without the distracting mirror surface to remind us of our flaws. I'm just rambling.
I usually avoid writing overly personal stuff in my blog, but I suddenly have an urge to expound on my feelings today to someone, just anyone. Strangely, I find it easier to do so to a nameless audience than to my sister or my friends--the complicated process of sharing my woes, explaining my experiences and getting advised in turn is simply too exhausting. I need to bitch in peace, without subjecting myself to the judgement of others and their good-intentioned solutions. Talking takes too much effort.
How can I feel so lonely, yet crave so much for the lack of human contact? I find myself weighed down by a constant frustration that remains uneased; I dislike what I am becoming; I hate having to make the painful decisions between my responsibilities, obligations, relationships, desires and personal ambition. I feel like a battery that gets totally depleted, charges a little on the Sunday afternoon truly free to me, then depletes totally again during the week. I need time by myself, time to think about my life. Quality time with my friends, not something squeezed in between two events. Quantity time with my family--it doesn't even have to be very impactful; I just have to hang around in the house.
But of course, everything is my own bloody choice. I imagine responsibilities due to me, blow them out of proportion, shackle myself needlessly to too many commitments. True, true. But just for the record, I FREAKING HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT. No reason, actually. Rationally, it's correct. I JUST FREAKING HATE IT. I'm cranky, I know. But how many people know how difficult it is for me to choose between them? It's a selfish belief that no one not me will truly understand. Forgive me.
And that's, of course, assuming that I'm fulfilling them in the first place. But I'm not, and I do know it. Perhaps too many tasks lead to the failure of all of them, but I cling on to the self-delusion that I should still keep them. So many parties that I am compromising--VJ, my family, my friends. Even my tuition pupils. SCGS too, a little, when I leave for China. ARGH. I know! I really do know, and I'm sorry for it. Don't worry, to people who are inclined to offer me reassurances to make me feel better, this is not a self-destructive, fishing-for-comfort speech. I think that's just tiring for both sides. I'm facing up to reality, perhaps in a somewhat angsty tone. And this doesn't change the fact that I would sacrifice each one in turn for another sometime in the future.
Then it always boils down to this: would I achieve? Can I? My one redeeming point is that I'm not in the habit of running away from my mistakes. I've made so many, and I think of them near daily. But sometimes I have to admit to myself that it is just a lack of capability, will, determination--qualities that I should have cultivated but I haven't.
During my period of depression in JC I cried a little here and there, but this is different--there are no tears to shed. It is not darkness that weighs down on my soul, but endless frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, and the simmering irritation that comes with too much human contact. I need peace.
My father could be losing his job in a few months time. SingTel is discussing the sale for the entire division he is working in, which means about 80+ people could be laid off. I'm not worried about finances; my sister has graduated and I'm old enough to start supporting myself. We have sufficient savings. What I feel upset about is the fact that he is still an energetic, vigorous man, who takes pride in his work. I feel like my parents are both losing an important part of their lives--my mother, her dedication to the pupils and her health; my father, his work.
Life is about weathering one crisis after another, I presume, because I feel like one crisis after another has been appearing for the last one-and-a-half years. It is our strength and affection for each other that carry us through.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
When talking to my sister last night (actually this morning), I had lots of random realisations.
I have always tried my best to keep my friendships--I don't make friends easily, and when I do, I tend to value them. Yet sometimes we wonder: is our effort worthwhile? How long would these friendships last? Old friends go off, and new friends come in to replace them; it's a natural process with the passing of time. Perhaps those people that told me that were right, and I should stop lamenting the loss of something inevitable.
I remembered what one of the CEOs mentioned in a panel discussion during Pre-U sem, "value your friends now, because these are really your friends for life." We are at an age where we take friends for granted, because they are so easy to come by, but would the same apply ten years down the road? I realised that I have no confidence over my own ability, and I lack the mentality to "just let go".
Then I realised that I keep a mental scorecard with my friends, as mecenary as I am. My irritation with Hannah for backing out never lasted long, because it was eclipsed by how she had supported me in the past, and the knowledge that she would do so in future. Lin Zi, the constant among my friends. Felda, the shoulder to cry on. And many many others. In my mind I had somehow categorised all the people I had somehow leaned on before: Lin zi, Hannah, and Brenda are the kind of friends you would most want in need, who demonstrate less in speech but more in action. Felda and Yiling are souls who comfort, who remember little important facts about your life and never fail to ask after them.
And then there are the people I never had the occasion to lean on, but friends that I value greatly. Hui Chu, whom I have strangely grown closer to in the last few months, remains a stress-free and comforting presence. My entire RGS clique - Amanda, Woon Teng, Xin Min, Hui Chu and well, me, whose company I look forward to the most and always enjoy. Judith, a good conversational partner.
Then again, there's family. As harsh as it may sound at times, experiences in the past two years have taught me that blood is indeed thicker than water--family members remain family members, with links that remain even when personal ties have stretched. My sister, who fufills all of the roles I said above and the one person whom I can never lose. Wei Wei, the little cousin I love, whom I secretly regard as a big younger sister. Wenjun, the one same-age cousin that I grew up with. My parents, and my Aunt, a fiery tempered and kind woman.
I have always tried my best to keep my friendships--I don't make friends easily, and when I do, I tend to value them. Yet sometimes we wonder: is our effort worthwhile? How long would these friendships last? Old friends go off, and new friends come in to replace them; it's a natural process with the passing of time. Perhaps those people that told me that were right, and I should stop lamenting the loss of something inevitable.
I remembered what one of the CEOs mentioned in a panel discussion during Pre-U sem, "value your friends now, because these are really your friends for life." We are at an age where we take friends for granted, because they are so easy to come by, but would the same apply ten years down the road? I realised that I have no confidence over my own ability, and I lack the mentality to "just let go".
Then I realised that I keep a mental scorecard with my friends, as mecenary as I am. My irritation with Hannah for backing out never lasted long, because it was eclipsed by how she had supported me in the past, and the knowledge that she would do so in future. Lin Zi, the constant among my friends. Felda, the shoulder to cry on. And many many others. In my mind I had somehow categorised all the people I had somehow leaned on before: Lin zi, Hannah, and Brenda are the kind of friends you would most want in need, who demonstrate less in speech but more in action. Felda and Yiling are souls who comfort, who remember little important facts about your life and never fail to ask after them.
And then there are the people I never had the occasion to lean on, but friends that I value greatly. Hui Chu, whom I have strangely grown closer to in the last few months, remains a stress-free and comforting presence. My entire RGS clique - Amanda, Woon Teng, Xin Min, Hui Chu and well, me, whose company I look forward to the most and always enjoy. Judith, a good conversational partner.
Then again, there's family. As harsh as it may sound at times, experiences in the past two years have taught me that blood is indeed thicker than water--family members remain family members, with links that remain even when personal ties have stretched. My sister, who fufills all of the roles I said above and the one person whom I can never lose. Wei Wei, the little cousin I love, whom I secretly regard as a big younger sister. Wenjun, the one same-age cousin that I grew up with. My parents, and my Aunt, a fiery tempered and kind woman.
