I had this nightmare the night before that may have showed that I was thinking too much about fish. I dreamt that we started having different fish in the fish tank (a few diff species) and they started killing each other. I remember the scene when I was going to feed them, of some missing fish, a few fish bones in one corner and predatory fish swimming about. The image then was truly stark...it was all grey, and the green that was supposed to be at the background had faded to that colour. And I thought to myself then: apocalypse. It was very chilling, and there was a world of difference between that and the happy, domesticated fish we have in our tank trying to improve their lives. If the end of human civilisation would ever come about, it may be like this.
I've been thinking especially much about God these days, when I look at my fish (excuse my speculations if you have prior beliefs). In the perspective of my fish, I could be God--I provide them with the space to live in, food to eat,in fact everything in the environment--the gravel, the log, the flower, has been given by me. They see my face sometimes, and they swim against their tank in wonder.
Yet, as much as I want to, beyond that, I can't control their lives. If they fight among each other, the most I could do is remove one party (it happened for quite some time before there was 'peace'), not intervene. When two big fish bully one smaller one (that happened too, for a while until the small one died of heart attack) and prevent it from eating, I can't do much either.
I can't dictate what they are building in the tank. In fact, I have no idea what they are doing...At first, I thought that the cleared space at the left side of the log (the empty circle surrounded by larger pebbles) was for them to sleep, but last night I discovered them to be sleeping on the other side, in what appeared to be the 'garden'. So what's it's purpose? Or is it still 'under construction'? I truly have no idea. I tried to help them in the past by shifting the log, and my mum removed some gravel when the slope was piling up too high. Now though, I've kind of given up because I can only guess at their thoughts. For all I know, they could be developing complex theories about stones.
I have the best intentions for them, and I would do everything in my power to prevent the apocalypse as mentioned above; yet what I can do is limited, not by choice but by circumstance. If there is indeed a God (that's still a question I'm pondering), perhaps He's not this omnipotent, omniprescent character that can control our lives, because our fate, to a large extent continues to be self-dictated.
To people who complain that I'm obsessed about my fish, this is one of the reasons for my continued fascination. There are so many parallels to be drawn to the human world in this perspective.
For example, nothing could show better than this the power of cooperation. When the two fish were fighting, both sides lived in general fear, gobbled their food and went to opposite sides of the tank. After they became good friends, the tank went through a major revamp, which I shall not elaborate cos I've described too much already. Living standards have improved now that resources are not being wasted in fighting.
Though I must say, the thought of a big alien in the sky is quite a frightening one.
What do you think?
Monday, May 31, 2004
Saturday, May 29, 2004
I wish something can be done about my blog. It's a bit screwed, but I didn't do anything to it so I don't know how to right it.
Yesterday I watched this show 'the odd couple'--a Hwa Chong EL production. To think that I refused most of the concerts in my school because I was too lazy to get off my bum and was in the end, dragged up by a rather determined Judith. It was not bad lah, quite funny, though I thought the ending somehow unsatisfactory.
I saw Woon Teng watching the show too! I guess it just didn't occur to both of us to tell each other. She's looking better--slimmer, I think, better taste in clothes and nicely brushed long hair:) Pretty. But anyway, I didn't stay to talk to her because I was being dragged off (literally) by yet again, Judith, the publicity head or whatever, to pay $1.50 for a programme booklet because it had her name in it. In the end I paid $2 for a programme booklet and a 'free' drink.
TALKING ABOUT PROGRAMME BOOKLETS, NOW I'M STUCK WITH ONE THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH BECAUSE I PAID $1.50 FOR IT AND IT HAS NO USE TO ME WHATSOEVER. JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU. SO THERE. Haha, maybe I'll cut out your name and paste it in my diary, just to be perverse. And thanks for the 'letter', my father passed it to me when I got home, though I was wondering originally why it came in so many pieces:)
My father bought this budget calling card so that I could call my sis. I called her three times this week--by the way they cheat your money cos I'm supposed to have a talk time of one hour, but it worked out to be only 35 min, though it's still cheaper than IDD rates. I have two more cards to call with.
Yesterday I watched this show 'the odd couple'--a Hwa Chong EL production. To think that I refused most of the concerts in my school because I was too lazy to get off my bum and was in the end, dragged up by a rather determined Judith. It was not bad lah, quite funny, though I thought the ending somehow unsatisfactory.
I saw Woon Teng watching the show too! I guess it just didn't occur to both of us to tell each other. She's looking better--slimmer, I think, better taste in clothes and nicely brushed long hair:) Pretty. But anyway, I didn't stay to talk to her because I was being dragged off (literally) by yet again, Judith, the publicity head or whatever, to pay $1.50 for a programme booklet because it had her name in it. In the end I paid $2 for a programme booklet and a 'free' drink.
TALKING ABOUT PROGRAMME BOOKLETS, NOW I'M STUCK WITH ONE THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH BECAUSE I PAID $1.50 FOR IT AND IT HAS NO USE TO ME WHATSOEVER. JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU. SO THERE. Haha, maybe I'll cut out your name and paste it in my diary, just to be perverse. And thanks for the 'letter', my father passed it to me when I got home, though I was wondering originally why it came in so many pieces:)
My father bought this budget calling card so that I could call my sis. I called her three times this week--by the way they cheat your money cos I'm supposed to have a talk time of one hour, but it worked out to be only 35 min, though it's still cheaper than IDD rates. I have two more cards to call with.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
These few days have been rather eventful.
Wednesday morning was council investiture. Or rather, investiture for the new batch, stepping down for us.
It's quite strange that after complaining so much about the council, I actually felt a sense of loss when I took off my black tag. It seemed rather empty. After all, I did spend a rather large amount of time in it, even if I wasn't as committed as some others.
I'm quite proud to be a part of a council that was special, in the new initiatives that we set up for the school--though I really can't claim any credit for that. We worked together, no matter what quarrels we had, with necessity driving us if nothing else.
I used to think that ceremonies were useless. The time spent as part of an audience, sitting through endless rounds of clapping and hand-shaking; the effort taken to prepare and rehearse for them seemed disproportionate to any real gains that could be reaped from it. What purpose does it serve, except to provide some psychological lack that can be fulfilled by other, more efficient ways?
Yet after that day, I changed my mind: ceremonies do provide a sense of initiation and closure, though I believe the latter to be more important. It's not something that can be only be truly appreciated with personal experience. Furthermore, the preparation for the ceremony gathers the entire group for perhaps what could be the one last time (at least, the last time workin together), and gives the opportunity for proper goodbyes.
COmparing council and debate, the difference becomes even more stark. For debate, we had an intense of preparation during competition season, yet after, everyone just kind of faded away into busy schedules, with any attempts at a group dinner thwarted by that very reason. When I see the new team now, I feel like I'm hanging in the middle...not in, but not out. And I wish the old team could have had at least one last gathering before the ties were lenghtened and the mood dispelled.
Wednesday afternoon, or rather, Wednesday evening (considering the rain) was soccer finals. I'm so glad we won after last year's loss. I thought the best moment for me, as one of the supporters was actually when SAJC scored an equalizer goal after the half time. At that point, the whole VJ contingent erupted and started serious cheering of 'fight on VJ fight on' etc. The elation when VJ scored again was really something to experience. I was just thinking of the World CUp in Korea a few years ago...imagine if you were the team opposing Korea and just walked into a stadium full of red dots singing Korean songs. My gosh. It must have been quite intimidating.
And yesterday was the hockey match. I was so relieved when VJ scored after half time...the way the match was progressing, it seemed like it was going to go into penalties again, a rather nerve wrecking moment. Last year hockey won on penalties but soccer lost, so this year luck may turn. But anyway, we won. hahaha.
I'm not quite sure when was the exact moment the revelation came about, but I realised that my survival instinct has somehow strengthened considerably in the space of the last few weeks. It's like I suddenly just KNOW how precious mortality is...like a spark that is gone, once it dies out. Again, that image seemed to have carved itself deep into my subconcious, though I can't remember exactly when I got it. I saw a TV advertisement for the show Deep Impact yesterday night, and I was asking myself, "If all your loved ones had to be left behind, would you choose to live on?" And contrary to what I originally believed of myself, the answer was 'Yes.' I used to somewhat approve of euthanasia, thinking that no life was better than life in pain, but now I know that I would fight on till the last moment, no matter what I was enduring. It was almost frightening.
I'm changing. i don't know how but I am. I guess I shall just await future developments.
Wednesday morning was council investiture. Or rather, investiture for the new batch, stepping down for us.
It's quite strange that after complaining so much about the council, I actually felt a sense of loss when I took off my black tag. It seemed rather empty. After all, I did spend a rather large amount of time in it, even if I wasn't as committed as some others.
I'm quite proud to be a part of a council that was special, in the new initiatives that we set up for the school--though I really can't claim any credit for that. We worked together, no matter what quarrels we had, with necessity driving us if nothing else.
I used to think that ceremonies were useless. The time spent as part of an audience, sitting through endless rounds of clapping and hand-shaking; the effort taken to prepare and rehearse for them seemed disproportionate to any real gains that could be reaped from it. What purpose does it serve, except to provide some psychological lack that can be fulfilled by other, more efficient ways?
Yet after that day, I changed my mind: ceremonies do provide a sense of initiation and closure, though I believe the latter to be more important. It's not something that can be only be truly appreciated with personal experience. Furthermore, the preparation for the ceremony gathers the entire group for perhaps what could be the one last time (at least, the last time workin together), and gives the opportunity for proper goodbyes.
COmparing council and debate, the difference becomes even more stark. For debate, we had an intense of preparation during competition season, yet after, everyone just kind of faded away into busy schedules, with any attempts at a group dinner thwarted by that very reason. When I see the new team now, I feel like I'm hanging in the middle...not in, but not out. And I wish the old team could have had at least one last gathering before the ties were lenghtened and the mood dispelled.
Wednesday afternoon, or rather, Wednesday evening (considering the rain) was soccer finals. I'm so glad we won after last year's loss. I thought the best moment for me, as one of the supporters was actually when SAJC scored an equalizer goal after the half time. At that point, the whole VJ contingent erupted and started serious cheering of 'fight on VJ fight on' etc. The elation when VJ scored again was really something to experience. I was just thinking of the World CUp in Korea a few years ago...imagine if you were the team opposing Korea and just walked into a stadium full of red dots singing Korean songs. My gosh. It must have been quite intimidating.
And yesterday was the hockey match. I was so relieved when VJ scored after half time...the way the match was progressing, it seemed like it was going to go into penalties again, a rather nerve wrecking moment. Last year hockey won on penalties but soccer lost, so this year luck may turn. But anyway, we won. hahaha.
I'm not quite sure when was the exact moment the revelation came about, but I realised that my survival instinct has somehow strengthened considerably in the space of the last few weeks. It's like I suddenly just KNOW how precious mortality is...like a spark that is gone, once it dies out. Again, that image seemed to have carved itself deep into my subconcious, though I can't remember exactly when I got it. I saw a TV advertisement for the show Deep Impact yesterday night, and I was asking myself, "If all your loved ones had to be left behind, would you choose to live on?" And contrary to what I originally believed of myself, the answer was 'Yes.' I used to somewhat approve of euthanasia, thinking that no life was better than life in pain, but now I know that I would fight on till the last moment, no matter what I was enduring. It was almost frightening.
I'm changing. i don't know how but I am. I guess I shall just await future developments.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
I went to the optician's yesterday. To my great relief, my degree only increased by 25 each--I thought it was much worse because everything seemed to be getting blurrer and I was getting headaches from staring at the screen. Got a pair of new purple spectacles, and I've decided on contacts too, though that will come in june.
This has been a hectic week.
My fishes are continually changing their home deco. This time its really fantastic. They made the slope higher, shifted the log back (as in, nearer to the centre) and even moved the fake plant! At first they shifted the large pebbles under the log, don't know for what, and now they've pushed it out again to make a clearing behind the log! As in, they cleared this space behind the log at the left side of the tank of all the gravel, piling them further up on the slope, and they surrounded this clearing with the large pebbles. Its circular. This is truly amazing, I'll upload pictures if the digital camera wasn't in India with my sis. What's even more surprising is that their concept of design seem similar to ours (or did they take their idea from 'beyond'?).
I think human civilisation only started when humans started feeling safe and bored.
I realised that true friends are few and far between...and even then, the proverb of 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' does not necessarily apply. I don't think you're reading this but thank you Hannah, for being the one there for me in my darkest hour. Sometimes you don't need to have somebody there for you all the time, just someone whom you know who will help you unreservedly without judging you any less for it. Actions speak louder than words, I guess.
It seems like it is this period when I have decided on my life goals, at least, my goals in detail for my next few years. But I'm starting to feel rather inadequate...a feeling that started some time ago and fully blossomed now. I guess at one point in time we all have to accept our limits, that I'll never be as brilliant as some of my peers, and try as I might, I may never achieve the standards that I wish I could have. In terms of my looks, social skills, brainpower, fluency, etc. etc. It's because I want so much that the thought of trying so hard but failing strikes a deep fear, and the knowledge that I'll try anyway, because its all I live for.
I have decided that I will go backpacking to China like I originally intended, at least go somewhere, like on a trip to see stars or something, even if its just batam or pulau ubin. It is those things that build the most memories in your youth. Like my trip to nepal, camping trips to pulau ubin for star gazing...
Life is too short to waste away.
This has been a hectic week.
My fishes are continually changing their home deco. This time its really fantastic. They made the slope higher, shifted the log back (as in, nearer to the centre) and even moved the fake plant! At first they shifted the large pebbles under the log, don't know for what, and now they've pushed it out again to make a clearing behind the log! As in, they cleared this space behind the log at the left side of the tank of all the gravel, piling them further up on the slope, and they surrounded this clearing with the large pebbles. Its circular. This is truly amazing, I'll upload pictures if the digital camera wasn't in India with my sis. What's even more surprising is that their concept of design seem similar to ours (or did they take their idea from 'beyond'?).
I think human civilisation only started when humans started feeling safe and bored.
I realised that true friends are few and far between...and even then, the proverb of 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' does not necessarily apply. I don't think you're reading this but thank you Hannah, for being the one there for me in my darkest hour. Sometimes you don't need to have somebody there for you all the time, just someone whom you know who will help you unreservedly without judging you any less for it. Actions speak louder than words, I guess.
It seems like it is this period when I have decided on my life goals, at least, my goals in detail for my next few years. But I'm starting to feel rather inadequate...a feeling that started some time ago and fully blossomed now. I guess at one point in time we all have to accept our limits, that I'll never be as brilliant as some of my peers, and try as I might, I may never achieve the standards that I wish I could have. In terms of my looks, social skills, brainpower, fluency, etc. etc. It's because I want so much that the thought of trying so hard but failing strikes a deep fear, and the knowledge that I'll try anyway, because its all I live for.
I have decided that I will go backpacking to China like I originally intended, at least go somewhere, like on a trip to see stars or something, even if its just batam or pulau ubin. It is those things that build the most memories in your youth. Like my trip to nepal, camping trips to pulau ubin for star gazing...
Life is too short to waste away.
Monday, May 17, 2004
I think Mrs Leong detests our class. I can see the hatred in her eyes when she stares at us, talks to us, and her general unwillingness to step into the class to teach us.
Sigh. Its a cycle that feed into itself, I guess. She didn't really like us at first, or maybe she's AP all the time so we thought she didn't like us, at least, we didn't like her, so we stopped doing turorials because they seemed useless, stopped talking in class because we hated being looked at like a worm...and now it's even worse.
In any case, I belong to the category that can't generate more than a passable liking for her. Oh, she might be all right as a person, but I don't know her all that well as a person, so I only base my judgement on her behaviour in class. For starters, the way she switches on the fans and air-con on full blast really gets on my nerves. And the way she tells people not to turn it down with a withering voice and withering look, because, oh, she's cold. The whole darned class freezing and because of one person, the room has to be seventeen degrees. Doesn't she know the basics of simple consideration?
And I hate the way she blames it all on us when things don't go well. Yes, I admit that we share partial fault for some things, but not necessarily all of it, and she has not right to dump it all on us just because she can't face up to herself. Like today, when the Econs 'S' people went to look for her during Chinese lesson to either do the test early or tell her about match support today. Zhiyun was supposed to take it then too, so we waited with her.
It's quite clear that she forgot completely about the fact that ZY was supposed to take the test. She was 15 min late and she didn't have the paper--and gave us withering looks to blame us for it. Granted, we agree that she shouldn't have the paper for us, but she didn't even have a copy for ZY, and she made it seem like all our fault! Can't she just accept that she's not always right, for once? That she, actually (gasp) forgot! Irritating.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. I mean, me being the one bitching. But it's all the little frustrations these days.
Anyway, on something more lighthearted. This is an excerpt from my sister's email, on reflecting on cultural differences...
"About yesterday's trip to Pondicherry - ok, there is nothing there. Looks exactly the same as Chennai city, only with more churches, the beach was alright lah, but I could give it a miss, and I won't regret. I attended a mass, because my friends were catholic, so for politeness sake, I stayed.
Wah, I was quite horrified. They pray to Jesus and Mary like "bai shen", you know, kneel in front of the statue and like pray. Nothing wrong with it, but I just find it damn weird. It was the weirdest mass ever. They had bells, fire, "holy water" and ermz, chartings, then Indian sounding Christian song. They sprinkle holy water over the cross, and have bells as they take up the cross.. The whole mass was just like a Hindu or Buddhist kind of ceremony... Ok, nothing wrong with that, because its just their belief. Nothing is right or wrong in this world anyway. I was blessed so many times by the act of sprinkling holy water over my head. Not that I believe it works anyway. You all must attend a mass if you do have a chance to go to India. Damn wierd. Really damn wierd."
I think religion is really just a way to express culture. The basics remain the same, it's just the form that changes.
Sigh. Its a cycle that feed into itself, I guess. She didn't really like us at first, or maybe she's AP all the time so we thought she didn't like us, at least, we didn't like her, so we stopped doing turorials because they seemed useless, stopped talking in class because we hated being looked at like a worm...and now it's even worse.
In any case, I belong to the category that can't generate more than a passable liking for her. Oh, she might be all right as a person, but I don't know her all that well as a person, so I only base my judgement on her behaviour in class. For starters, the way she switches on the fans and air-con on full blast really gets on my nerves. And the way she tells people not to turn it down with a withering voice and withering look, because, oh, she's cold. The whole darned class freezing and because of one person, the room has to be seventeen degrees. Doesn't she know the basics of simple consideration?
And I hate the way she blames it all on us when things don't go well. Yes, I admit that we share partial fault for some things, but not necessarily all of it, and she has not right to dump it all on us just because she can't face up to herself. Like today, when the Econs 'S' people went to look for her during Chinese lesson to either do the test early or tell her about match support today. Zhiyun was supposed to take it then too, so we waited with her.
It's quite clear that she forgot completely about the fact that ZY was supposed to take the test. She was 15 min late and she didn't have the paper--and gave us withering looks to blame us for it. Granted, we agree that she shouldn't have the paper for us, but she didn't even have a copy for ZY, and she made it seem like all our fault! Can't she just accept that she's not always right, for once? That she, actually (gasp) forgot! Irritating.
Bitch, bitch, bitch. I mean, me being the one bitching. But it's all the little frustrations these days.
Anyway, on something more lighthearted. This is an excerpt from my sister's email, on reflecting on cultural differences...
"About yesterday's trip to Pondicherry - ok, there is nothing there. Looks exactly the same as Chennai city, only with more churches, the beach was alright lah, but I could give it a miss, and I won't regret. I attended a mass, because my friends were catholic, so for politeness sake, I stayed.
Wah, I was quite horrified. They pray to Jesus and Mary like "bai shen", you know, kneel in front of the statue and like pray. Nothing wrong with it, but I just find it damn weird. It was the weirdest mass ever. They had bells, fire, "holy water" and ermz, chartings, then Indian sounding Christian song. They sprinkle holy water over the cross, and have bells as they take up the cross.. The whole mass was just like a Hindu or Buddhist kind of ceremony... Ok, nothing wrong with that, because its just their belief. Nothing is right or wrong in this world anyway. I was blessed so many times by the act of sprinkling holy water over my head. Not that I believe it works anyway. You all must attend a mass if you do have a chance to go to India. Damn wierd. Really damn wierd."
I think religion is really just a way to express culture. The basics remain the same, it's just the form that changes.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
I watched Troy yesterday night, together with my parents.
When I mentioned to my tuition pupil a few days ago that I wanted to watch that movie, he accused me of just wanting to ogle over Brad Pitt. At that time I told him, "Even if I were the ogling type, I wouldn't ogle at Brad Pitt. He's too square for me--I don't really think he's handsome." Which was true, of course.
After watching Troy, I TAKE THAT BACK. My gosh, what a handsome young man. With a great figure. I can't say much for his acting skills, but somehow he has a kind of magnetism on screen(Haha, or maybe that was just my hormones). What a waste that this glorious specimen insisted on acting in shows unflattering to his looks for the past few years. Couldn't he have displayed his charm together with his acting capabilities? Truly wasted.
And the guy who acted Hector has a great face and figure too! Oh man, I sound like some giggling, ogling (though no contentions with that at this exact moment) schoolgirl. Who cares--I'm a female adolescent. I have a RIGHT to giggle and ogle:)
Overall, the movie wasn't bad, but it wasn't that great either. Certainly not enough to deserve a five star rating in Straits Times, which I suspect was the part of the reason for the full house last night. BUt the plot didn't flow, and there were glaring loopholes in it.
For one, if you had thought that your enemies died of plague, struck by the gods, would you drag a horse that they made just before they left into your city? No sense--it's plague, for goodness sake.
And why did Hector have to go down and face Achilles? Or maybe this is the difference between twenty first century values and ancient times. The conversation with my father went something like this:
My father : He's a leader of the country and his life is responsible for so many. So why on earth did he go down and fight Achilles one on one, especially since he thought he was going to lose?
Me: Yar!
My father: What will he accomplish by doing that anyway? Achilles is not even the ruler of the enemy, just a warrior.
Me: Yar!
My father: Why is it for honour and glory anyway?In the war, people get killed all the time. So why must he agree to a duel just because he killed Achilles' cousin?
Me: Yar!
My father: Plus your capabilities as a leader is about brains anyway, not fighting ability.
Me: Yar!
My mother: But he's standing down there shouting, "Hector...Hector...Hector..."
Me: Shoot him lah!
My father: Yar!
When I mentioned to my tuition pupil a few days ago that I wanted to watch that movie, he accused me of just wanting to ogle over Brad Pitt. At that time I told him, "Even if I were the ogling type, I wouldn't ogle at Brad Pitt. He's too square for me--I don't really think he's handsome." Which was true, of course.
After watching Troy, I TAKE THAT BACK. My gosh, what a handsome young man. With a great figure. I can't say much for his acting skills, but somehow he has a kind of magnetism on screen(Haha, or maybe that was just my hormones). What a waste that this glorious specimen insisted on acting in shows unflattering to his looks for the past few years. Couldn't he have displayed his charm together with his acting capabilities? Truly wasted.
And the guy who acted Hector has a great face and figure too! Oh man, I sound like some giggling, ogling (though no contentions with that at this exact moment) schoolgirl. Who cares--I'm a female adolescent. I have a RIGHT to giggle and ogle:)
Overall, the movie wasn't bad, but it wasn't that great either. Certainly not enough to deserve a five star rating in Straits Times, which I suspect was the part of the reason for the full house last night. BUt the plot didn't flow, and there were glaring loopholes in it.
For one, if you had thought that your enemies died of plague, struck by the gods, would you drag a horse that they made just before they left into your city? No sense--it's plague, for goodness sake.
And why did Hector have to go down and face Achilles? Or maybe this is the difference between twenty first century values and ancient times. The conversation with my father went something like this:
My father : He's a leader of the country and his life is responsible for so many. So why on earth did he go down and fight Achilles one on one, especially since he thought he was going to lose?
Me: Yar!
My father: What will he accomplish by doing that anyway? Achilles is not even the ruler of the enemy, just a warrior.
Me: Yar!
My father: Why is it for honour and glory anyway?In the war, people get killed all the time. So why must he agree to a duel just because he killed Achilles' cousin?
Me: Yar!
My father: Plus your capabilities as a leader is about brains anyway, not fighting ability.
Me: Yar!
My mother: But he's standing down there shouting, "Hector...Hector...Hector..."
Me: Shoot him lah!
My father: Yar!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Considering the number of comments I received about my blog looking so much nicer, I suppose I have to face up to the fact that I have been rather self-delusional about my past design being moderately pleasant to the eye. I actually kind of grew to like the green.
anyway, this is to Yiling: the programme is nothing much, actually, it's just that you go for forum discussions, meet-the-people sessions , sharing by admin officers and special interviews by people who are not your teacher-advisors (I don't know what yet, last year it was GIC, but this year they said someone else would do it). You haven't missed much, unless you actually like going for this kind of thing, which I do. ANyway, it's targeted mainly for people that are suitable for PSC, which you don't want.
Just watched the channel eight special on Nepal! It shows the exact places we've gone to--it's really strange, because I didn't really feel anything momentous when I was actually there but now I think back about the times we've spent with great nostalgia. Playing cards in the common room. Vick and Tien Yew chanting away with the singing bowls. Grace painstakingly drawing mahjong cards so she could play. Eating out of lunchboxes and mixing masala. Giving each other massages at night. Our singing of Resham Firiri, with my sis and Vick dancing away with the red scarf in front. Being quarantined in my room with the two other sickest members of the group, Lin ZI and Hannah, and eating our dinners like refugees on a cleared portion of the room floor. Even more so in Katmandu, when we were finishing our noodles in the lobby cos we were too last minute about checking out. Waiting for the sunrise on a FREEZING morning, aNd in the end not seeing much of it cos of the fog:( The boat ride, which left an especially deep impression because I kept making Tien Yew and Vick turn round and round and round so I could get my picture taken from a few different angles. And our chanting with the singing bowl to see if we could achieve some echo effect with the hills around. Haha.
Even the times before and after the trip: playing monopoly with Tien Yew sweeping all the cash, mahjong, our joking...
So fun. I'm really really glad I went, and was part of the planning. I don't think I could derived so much enjoyment going on a school trip--somehow, the dynamics of this group was really good. We must have a gathering again sometime, when all of us are less busy.
In reminiscing about the trip, I kind of forgot what I intended to type in earlier. So nvm, they weren't that important, anyway. Shall go study chem now!
anyway, this is to Yiling: the programme is nothing much, actually, it's just that you go for forum discussions, meet-the-people sessions , sharing by admin officers and special interviews by people who are not your teacher-advisors (I don't know what yet, last year it was GIC, but this year they said someone else would do it). You haven't missed much, unless you actually like going for this kind of thing, which I do. ANyway, it's targeted mainly for people that are suitable for PSC, which you don't want.
Just watched the channel eight special on Nepal! It shows the exact places we've gone to--it's really strange, because I didn't really feel anything momentous when I was actually there but now I think back about the times we've spent with great nostalgia. Playing cards in the common room. Vick and Tien Yew chanting away with the singing bowls. Grace painstakingly drawing mahjong cards so she could play. Eating out of lunchboxes and mixing masala. Giving each other massages at night. Our singing of Resham Firiri, with my sis and Vick dancing away with the red scarf in front. Being quarantined in my room with the two other sickest members of the group, Lin ZI and Hannah, and eating our dinners like refugees on a cleared portion of the room floor. Even more so in Katmandu, when we were finishing our noodles in the lobby cos we were too last minute about checking out. Waiting for the sunrise on a FREEZING morning, aNd in the end not seeing much of it cos of the fog:( The boat ride, which left an especially deep impression because I kept making Tien Yew and Vick turn round and round and round so I could get my picture taken from a few different angles. And our chanting with the singing bowl to see if we could achieve some echo effect with the hills around. Haha.
Even the times before and after the trip: playing monopoly with Tien Yew sweeping all the cash, mahjong, our joking...
So fun. I'm really really glad I went, and was part of the planning. I don't think I could derived so much enjoyment going on a school trip--somehow, the dynamics of this group was really good. We must have a gathering again sometime, when all of us are less busy.
In reminiscing about the trip, I kind of forgot what I intended to type in earlier. So nvm, they weren't that important, anyway. Shall go study chem now!
Monday, May 10, 2004
Oh my, blogger has undergone a face lift too!
Just like my blog:)
I'm really inanely pleased. This is the nicest semi-website I have ever owned, or rather--the first one I have. Really quite pretty, and I'm quite proud of it, though none of it was my effort. But its ok, I've learned to claim credit without any qualms.
Another thing I'm really happy about: my tuition pupil canceled tuition today! He had some lit review or something. HAHA. His exam tomorrow, his problem. I have Fulfilled My Responsility by setting aside time to teach him--he canceled it HIMSELF. So it's HIS FAULT if he fails. Anyway, the mid-years is only 30%, so I can just bug him for the final year exam.
That brings me to the slot I'm supposed to have with him on Thursday. ARGH. There's a council meeting on that day, we were just briefed. It's one of our final ones and I don't want to miss it, BUT HOW? His science exam is on Friday, and he just told me he doesn't understand acids and bases and IT'S TESTED. And I've agreed, and he's clinging on to me like a lifeline now because of HIS SLACKING beforehand. I'm supposed to revise the topics with him. SHITshitshit. How? HOw? Which to go for? I will have to figure it out.
I find it rather strange how it is that people now seem to place very low regard on an individual's drive to seek financial independence. Not that I have any contention with people who wish to concentrate on their studies, but I'm getting rapidly sick of those (only a proportion of people, but still a proportion) who stare at me strangely and ask--what about your studies/CCA responsibilities etc? And give me weird expressions that say: "tsk tsk, what young people would sacrifice for money." Bleah.
The statement is true, though (but irritating all the same), it is for the money. I enjoy the freedom of not worrying everytime I have to pay $4/5/6/2 for Physics/CHemistry/Econs/Maths funds. When I need to buy a TYS/Common Test Papers etc, I no longer have to think of replanning my budget and face the possible need of ASKING MY MUM FOR MONEY AGAIN. I hate that man. I feel like I'm a drain--there's no end. And the thought that thus far, my education kept having no return despite so much investment had been bugging me no end.
Though consciously I know that my parents can actually afford it, I can always pay back by being filial and whatnot when I've grown up and graduated and am earning big bucks, and of course they would always want me to do well in my studies more than anything...but I still want to be more self-reliant. A bit dumb, this instinct, but I've yearned to be financially independent for some time, even before JC.
So there. Though I have to keep certain unsaid promises, like giving extra-tuition during their exams when I'm in the midst of common tests, CCA activities...but it's worth it. It helps that both my tuition pupils are nice, unspoiled individuals. I've grown to be quite fond of them.
Another happy thing--Hui Fen liked her birthday present! Genuinely, not some polite response:) At least it was worth the effort I took to get it: just before the Physics test too! Two hours walking up and down, I spent. It was Yiling's brilliant idea though, to give an engraved bracelet.
I was having a look at Yiling's photo album just now. It has me in it! BUt I can't access the Nepal pictures cos of the password...so Yiling, if you're reading this can you discreetly slip it to me in class?
I got shortlisted for some Special Scholarship Programme thing that's supposed to target those who seem suited for public sector scholarships. Feeling somewhat guilty...not that its that big a deal, but there are a number of people who want this a lot more than I do. I don't really want a PSC scholarship--I just indicated my interest because I wanted to participate in those activities. I like forum discussions and that kind of thing. I didn't know there was shortlisting! So I took someone's place just because of my interest in current affairs:(
Talked to my sister online on Saturday on SUnday for a few hours.
The parrot fish appears to have stopped work. A full report will come later after further observation:)
Just like my blog:)
I'm really inanely pleased. This is the nicest semi-website I have ever owned, or rather--the first one I have. Really quite pretty, and I'm quite proud of it, though none of it was my effort. But its ok, I've learned to claim credit without any qualms.
Another thing I'm really happy about: my tuition pupil canceled tuition today! He had some lit review or something. HAHA. His exam tomorrow, his problem. I have Fulfilled My Responsility by setting aside time to teach him--he canceled it HIMSELF. So it's HIS FAULT if he fails. Anyway, the mid-years is only 30%, so I can just bug him for the final year exam.
That brings me to the slot I'm supposed to have with him on Thursday. ARGH. There's a council meeting on that day, we were just briefed. It's one of our final ones and I don't want to miss it, BUT HOW? His science exam is on Friday, and he just told me he doesn't understand acids and bases and IT'S TESTED. And I've agreed, and he's clinging on to me like a lifeline now because of HIS SLACKING beforehand. I'm supposed to revise the topics with him. SHITshitshit. How? HOw? Which to go for? I will have to figure it out.
I find it rather strange how it is that people now seem to place very low regard on an individual's drive to seek financial independence. Not that I have any contention with people who wish to concentrate on their studies, but I'm getting rapidly sick of those (only a proportion of people, but still a proportion) who stare at me strangely and ask--what about your studies/CCA responsibilities etc? And give me weird expressions that say: "tsk tsk, what young people would sacrifice for money." Bleah.
The statement is true, though (but irritating all the same), it is for the money. I enjoy the freedom of not worrying everytime I have to pay $4/5/6/2 for Physics/CHemistry/Econs/Maths funds. When I need to buy a TYS/Common Test Papers etc, I no longer have to think of replanning my budget and face the possible need of ASKING MY MUM FOR MONEY AGAIN. I hate that man. I feel like I'm a drain--there's no end. And the thought that thus far, my education kept having no return despite so much investment had been bugging me no end.
Though consciously I know that my parents can actually afford it, I can always pay back by being filial and whatnot when I've grown up and graduated and am earning big bucks, and of course they would always want me to do well in my studies more than anything...but I still want to be more self-reliant. A bit dumb, this instinct, but I've yearned to be financially independent for some time, even before JC.
So there. Though I have to keep certain unsaid promises, like giving extra-tuition during their exams when I'm in the midst of common tests, CCA activities...but it's worth it. It helps that both my tuition pupils are nice, unspoiled individuals. I've grown to be quite fond of them.
Another happy thing--Hui Fen liked her birthday present! Genuinely, not some polite response:) At least it was worth the effort I took to get it: just before the Physics test too! Two hours walking up and down, I spent. It was Yiling's brilliant idea though, to give an engraved bracelet.
I was having a look at Yiling's photo album just now. It has me in it! BUt I can't access the Nepal pictures cos of the password...so Yiling, if you're reading this can you discreetly slip it to me in class?
I got shortlisted for some Special Scholarship Programme thing that's supposed to target those who seem suited for public sector scholarships. Feeling somewhat guilty...not that its that big a deal, but there are a number of people who want this a lot more than I do. I don't really want a PSC scholarship--I just indicated my interest because I wanted to participate in those activities. I like forum discussions and that kind of thing. I didn't know there was shortlisting! So I took someone's place just because of my interest in current affairs:(
Talked to my sister online on Saturday on SUnday for a few hours.
The parrot fish appears to have stopped work. A full report will come later after further observation:)
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Guess what? I GOT A TAGBOARD. Actually its not a tagboard, more like a comments thingy, but its an Advancement. Just scroll all the way to the bottom. People who read please just comment on it so that I know its working. Ha. Thanks to Nick for telling me how to get it done.
To people that know of my blog, please do not link it to yours without my express permission. And unless your blog is the private kind limited to a small circle of friends that I know personally, its unlikely I'll give it. Not that this one is particularly private, but I feel generally uncomfortable for it to be read by complete strangers. It can be spread around by word, I don't mind, to people I know and who know me, but no linking.
Every free time I get I go to have a look on the parrot fish. It's an obsession driven by curousity. The pace of work has slowed considerably--I think the major upgrading work has been completed. Now its just the touching up. They're currently trying to remove the pieces of gravel under the log, I don't know for what, but if its to create a hole to swim under it'll be quite futile because they're too fat. Or maybe they just want to add on to the slope around the fake flower.
Ah well, the puzzling behavior of fish.
The pale fish is really a workaholic. For a few nights, when I sleep late, I'll go to the balcony to check on them (haha, I sound like their mum). The lights are off, and by right both should be behind the log in their bedroom (refer to earlier post) and the red one usually is, but the pale one would be awake fussing over the arrangement of the stones. A truly dedicated fish.
Ok, enough about fish.
My parents just told me that they want to go to Xinjiang for two weeks just before my 'A's. With my sister gone, that essentially leaves me all alone at home for that time. I'm not surprised, they have talked about it before my mum got sick, and scrapped it when it seemed like she wasn't going to get better. Now that she's recovering, its only natural that they'll broach it again, and they're just waiting for my opinion.
I've pretty much decided to persuade them to go, actually. I remember the time when my mum was still in great pain, holding an ice pack to her mouth and telling me that if she still had a chance, she would like to go and visit all the places she could, because this has made her realise that she was aging. I remember my heart twisiting then, and wishing vehemently that she could go to Xinjiang, although I had been quite upset when she mentioned it last year. This hasn't changed.
But I have to make plans. For one, find someone I can study with or something during that period. Preferably, I can stay over at that someone's house...I am, essentially, rather afraid of loneliness. It's one of my fundamental weaknesses that I can never live alone. I don't like bringing my house keys out because I prefer someone to open the door for me when I get home. I don't feel like going home when there's nobody there--a fact I discovered when my sis and I were alone for ten days. I wait up late at night for my sis to get back just so that we can have a few words before I go to bed. So, er, I figured that two weeks without my parents or anybody else would be rather bad for my mental health.
Some people would have called this pathetic (at least, if it was themselves they would for self-pity or something, but of course no one would tell me that I am cos it's not Tactful) but I have decided that its quite dumb to put myself through unnecessary suffering to change my characteristics when I can change my circumstances. Therefore I shall get used to it as a last resort.
Hui Fen was coughing in school earlier today. I was afraid that I had passed her the cough (which I still have, incidentally), but she said she was the one who gave it to me. And Siew Sze was the one who started it all. This has fed my newly developed theory of the Virus Cycle, which is basically that the flu starts spreading from one person, makes one round around the class, by then having sufficiently mutated for the first person's antibodies to be ineffective, thereby causing her/him to catch it again. So at any one point in time, someone's always sick, and from the same virus. Doesn't it make sense? There's always a flu bug going around, no matter what season.
Incidentally, I got my Math and GP common test back today. Strange how marks don't really seem to matter to me anymore--at least, they have no real impact on my mood. There are so many more important things for me to get emotional over.
To people that know of my blog, please do not link it to yours without my express permission. And unless your blog is the private kind limited to a small circle of friends that I know personally, its unlikely I'll give it. Not that this one is particularly private, but I feel generally uncomfortable for it to be read by complete strangers. It can be spread around by word, I don't mind, to people I know and who know me, but no linking.
Every free time I get I go to have a look on the parrot fish. It's an obsession driven by curousity. The pace of work has slowed considerably--I think the major upgrading work has been completed. Now its just the touching up. They're currently trying to remove the pieces of gravel under the log, I don't know for what, but if its to create a hole to swim under it'll be quite futile because they're too fat. Or maybe they just want to add on to the slope around the fake flower.
Ah well, the puzzling behavior of fish.
The pale fish is really a workaholic. For a few nights, when I sleep late, I'll go to the balcony to check on them (haha, I sound like their mum). The lights are off, and by right both should be behind the log in their bedroom (refer to earlier post) and the red one usually is, but the pale one would be awake fussing over the arrangement of the stones. A truly dedicated fish.
Ok, enough about fish.
My parents just told me that they want to go to Xinjiang for two weeks just before my 'A's. With my sister gone, that essentially leaves me all alone at home for that time. I'm not surprised, they have talked about it before my mum got sick, and scrapped it when it seemed like she wasn't going to get better. Now that she's recovering, its only natural that they'll broach it again, and they're just waiting for my opinion.
I've pretty much decided to persuade them to go, actually. I remember the time when my mum was still in great pain, holding an ice pack to her mouth and telling me that if she still had a chance, she would like to go and visit all the places she could, because this has made her realise that she was aging. I remember my heart twisiting then, and wishing vehemently that she could go to Xinjiang, although I had been quite upset when she mentioned it last year. This hasn't changed.
But I have to make plans. For one, find someone I can study with or something during that period. Preferably, I can stay over at that someone's house...I am, essentially, rather afraid of loneliness. It's one of my fundamental weaknesses that I can never live alone. I don't like bringing my house keys out because I prefer someone to open the door for me when I get home. I don't feel like going home when there's nobody there--a fact I discovered when my sis and I were alone for ten days. I wait up late at night for my sis to get back just so that we can have a few words before I go to bed. So, er, I figured that two weeks without my parents or anybody else would be rather bad for my mental health.
Some people would have called this pathetic (at least, if it was themselves they would for self-pity or something, but of course no one would tell me that I am cos it's not Tactful) but I have decided that its quite dumb to put myself through unnecessary suffering to change my characteristics when I can change my circumstances. Therefore I shall get used to it as a last resort.
Hui Fen was coughing in school earlier today. I was afraid that I had passed her the cough (which I still have, incidentally), but she said she was the one who gave it to me. And Siew Sze was the one who started it all. This has fed my newly developed theory of the Virus Cycle, which is basically that the flu starts spreading from one person, makes one round around the class, by then having sufficiently mutated for the first person's antibodies to be ineffective, thereby causing her/him to catch it again. So at any one point in time, someone's always sick, and from the same virus. Doesn't it make sense? There's always a flu bug going around, no matter what season.
Incidentally, I got my Math and GP common test back today. Strange how marks don't really seem to matter to me anymore--at least, they have no real impact on my mood. There are so many more important things for me to get emotional over.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
My two parrot fish are really very interesting. From the start of last week, they have embarked on a major upgrading-reconstruction project of their home. All the while my family has been somewhat amused by how they shift the gravel and wood around to make a nest for themselves, and now I can't stop watching them because they're really progressing on to the next stage. It's not just an uncivilised shifting of rocks here and there to make a space for themselves, nono, they have a concept. The area behind the piece of log has been cleared of ALL bits of gravel, so that there's a nice smooth bed for them to sleep. So that's their bedroom area. The other side is a garden--they actually created a slope around the fake flower and there's landscaping of the gravel. There's also careful selection of the big and small stones for arranging: the big ones were all carefully shifted to the bottom of the little 'hill', I haven't yet figured out for what purpose. It's really very pretty.
It's interesting to watch how the different characters of the fish are shown through their work. I think the pale one is the one in-charge of this reconstruction phase, I constantly see it pushing big stones around, picking up a few small stones with its mouth and depositing it in other positions. The red one, on the other hand, has to be prodded occasionally by the pale one, and several times its only pretending to work, while it is in fact just swimming around. When I go near the tank to observe their progress, both of them stop and stare at me, swimming against the glass of the tank. I wonder if they feel like humans staring out into the unknown depths of the universe, and if a god truly exists, He feels the same amusement that I do.
Anyway, in a few weeks time will be fish tank cleaning, and the fish will have something to do after the 'earthquake'.
My life is definitely getting better. Yesterday evening, I chatted for three hours with my sister online, displacing many of my doubts about me and MSN. Well, its still not the best--but it will do, for now. We talked about everything under the sun, as usual, and its really wonderful that our topics were not constrained to asking her how she's doing in India and other small talk. My cousin just called recently from Australia--though the call was cut short due to another incoming call. I even had time to socialise on Saturday--going out with Hannah, then Woon Teng, Xin Min, Hui CHu, and Amanda on the day of the funfair. Unfortunately for the latter group, most of the stuff (esp food!) had been sold out by the time they reached, so they didn't really enjoy themselves until we went to Marche to have dinner later. Woon Teng and I went for a Tarot reading for one dollar that was surprisingly and unexpectedly accurate for me. I ate a lot and bought a book for one dollar that I discovered I already possessed when I reached home.
I'm supposed to go out with the class today, but I woke up late and I'm really too lazy. I really must commend Glenda, Cheryl, Eugene, Loyalle, SIn Yee for being at the booth almost all day at the fair. Admittedly, I didn't do much on Saturday, though I made many pots of jelly the day before. Overall it was great.
The periwinkle I bought for $22 is in full bloom, and its really pretty. I'm glad my mum loved it (or I'll have to think of another mother's day present), because it negates the effort I took to carry it back. It was really quite hard, I had to take it all around orchard looking silly, it was damn heavy and I couldn't hang my arm down or the stems which were hanging out will be crushed, so I had to lift it up at an angle all the time. Really tiring, I tell you.
Best of all, my mum's getting better! Whatever therapy she's doing now is working, the pain is lessening and the doctor said probably in three to four weeks time she'll be completely cured. Let's hope so. Life is definitely getting better:)
It seems like this period has really made me aware of my emotions and depth of feeling for the people around me. A few days ago I dreamt that I died and came back as a ghost because I couldn't bear to leave my loved ones. So I just hung around--the emotions were very intense and when I woke up I wondered if ghosts exist, whether their reasons were the same as mine. We must treasure the people around us, while we still can:).
It's interesting to watch how the different characters of the fish are shown through their work. I think the pale one is the one in-charge of this reconstruction phase, I constantly see it pushing big stones around, picking up a few small stones with its mouth and depositing it in other positions. The red one, on the other hand, has to be prodded occasionally by the pale one, and several times its only pretending to work, while it is in fact just swimming around. When I go near the tank to observe their progress, both of them stop and stare at me, swimming against the glass of the tank. I wonder if they feel like humans staring out into the unknown depths of the universe, and if a god truly exists, He feels the same amusement that I do.
Anyway, in a few weeks time will be fish tank cleaning, and the fish will have something to do after the 'earthquake'.
My life is definitely getting better. Yesterday evening, I chatted for three hours with my sister online, displacing many of my doubts about me and MSN. Well, its still not the best--but it will do, for now. We talked about everything under the sun, as usual, and its really wonderful that our topics were not constrained to asking her how she's doing in India and other small talk. My cousin just called recently from Australia--though the call was cut short due to another incoming call. I even had time to socialise on Saturday--going out with Hannah, then Woon Teng, Xin Min, Hui CHu, and Amanda on the day of the funfair. Unfortunately for the latter group, most of the stuff (esp food!) had been sold out by the time they reached, so they didn't really enjoy themselves until we went to Marche to have dinner later. Woon Teng and I went for a Tarot reading for one dollar that was surprisingly and unexpectedly accurate for me. I ate a lot and bought a book for one dollar that I discovered I already possessed when I reached home.
I'm supposed to go out with the class today, but I woke up late and I'm really too lazy. I really must commend Glenda, Cheryl, Eugene, Loyalle, SIn Yee for being at the booth almost all day at the fair. Admittedly, I didn't do much on Saturday, though I made many pots of jelly the day before. Overall it was great.
The periwinkle I bought for $22 is in full bloom, and its really pretty. I'm glad my mum loved it (or I'll have to think of another mother's day present), because it negates the effort I took to carry it back. It was really quite hard, I had to take it all around orchard looking silly, it was damn heavy and I couldn't hang my arm down or the stems which were hanging out will be crushed, so I had to lift it up at an angle all the time. Really tiring, I tell you.
Best of all, my mum's getting better! Whatever therapy she's doing now is working, the pain is lessening and the doctor said probably in three to four weeks time she'll be completely cured. Let's hope so. Life is definitely getting better:)
It seems like this period has really made me aware of my emotions and depth of feeling for the people around me. A few days ago I dreamt that I died and came back as a ghost because I couldn't bear to leave my loved ones. So I just hung around--the emotions were very intense and when I woke up I wondered if ghosts exist, whether their reasons were the same as mine. We must treasure the people around us, while we still can:).
Sigh. I really miss my sister. I'm really not a MSN person.
I think its really ironic that the Iraqi guerilla groups are fighting to drive out a foriegn conqueror from their soveriegn state, yet they are called 'rebels', 'insurgents', even 'terrorists'. i suspect that we are subject to some form of reverse brainwashing by the newspapers...first was the wording, then the attempted portrayal of the leader as some religious fanatic. I truly emphatise with them--I can understand patriotism and their asofar their actions have not led me to believe that they are fighting back for anything other than Nationalism. Is it not obvious, from the careful selection (and release of hostages), and target groups that they truly believe they are doing it for a cause?
i shall talk about yesterday in another post. Too tired.
I think its really ironic that the Iraqi guerilla groups are fighting to drive out a foriegn conqueror from their soveriegn state, yet they are called 'rebels', 'insurgents', even 'terrorists'. i suspect that we are subject to some form of reverse brainwashing by the newspapers...first was the wording, then the attempted portrayal of the leader as some religious fanatic. I truly emphatise with them--I can understand patriotism and their asofar their actions have not led me to believe that they are fighting back for anything other than Nationalism. Is it not obvious, from the careful selection (and release of hostages), and target groups that they truly believe they are doing it for a cause?
i shall talk about yesterday in another post. Too tired.
