When talking to my sister last night (actually this morning), I had lots of random realisations.

I have always tried my best to keep my friendships--I don't make friends easily, and when I do, I tend to value them. Yet sometimes we wonder: is our effort worthwhile? How long would these friendships last? Old friends go off, and new friends come in to replace them; it's a natural process with the passing of time. Perhaps those people that told me that were right, and I should stop lamenting the loss of something inevitable.

I remembered what one of the CEOs mentioned in a panel discussion during Pre-U sem, "value your friends now, because these are really your friends for life." We are at an age where we take friends for granted, because they are so easy to come by, but would the same apply ten years down the road? I realised that I have no confidence over my own ability, and I lack the mentality to "just let go".

Then I realised that I keep a mental scorecard with my friends, as mecenary as I am. My irritation with Hannah for backing out never lasted long, because it was eclipsed by how she had supported me in the past, and the knowledge that she would do so in future. Lin Zi, the constant among my friends. Felda, the shoulder to cry on. And many many others. In my mind I had somehow categorised all the people I had somehow leaned on before: Lin zi, Hannah, and Brenda are the kind of friends you would most want in need, who demonstrate less in speech but more in action. Felda and Yiling are souls who comfort, who remember little important facts about your life and never fail to ask after them.

And then there are the people I never had the occasion to lean on, but friends that I value greatly. Hui Chu, whom I have strangely grown closer to in the last few months, remains a stress-free and comforting presence. My entire RGS clique - Amanda, Woon Teng, Xin Min, Hui Chu and well, me, whose company I look forward to the most and always enjoy. Judith, a good conversational partner.

Then again, there's family. As harsh as it may sound at times, experiences in the past two years have taught me that blood is indeed thicker than water--family members remain family members, with links that remain even when personal ties have stretched. My sister, who fufills all of the roles I said above and the one person whom I can never lose. Wei Wei, the little cousin I love, whom I secretly regard as a big younger sister. Wenjun, the one same-age cousin that I grew up with. My parents, and my Aunt, a fiery tempered and kind woman.