On the subject of eyebags

As I was looking in the mirror just now I was reminded of a conversation my friends and I had some time ago, after a Star Wars movie marathon at Brenda's place. The lift we all trooped into on the way down had a reflective panel, so instinctively, we started examining our faces.

(I can't remember exactly how it went, but I think I started it.)

Me: I have eyebags.

Xin Min: So do I.

Brenda (pessimistically): We all have eyebags.

Me: I didn't use to have them before!

Amanda: Aiyah, but yours are not so bad already. Look at mine.

Hui Chu: I have an eyebag within an eyebag.

XIn Min (gloomily): Double layered eyebags.

Oh well. It pretty much ended there, because the lift stopped and we all trooped out, without the distracting mirror surface to remind us of our flaws. I'm just rambling.

I usually avoid writing overly personal stuff in my blog, but I suddenly have an urge to expound on my feelings today to someone, just anyone. Strangely, I find it easier to do so to a nameless audience than to my sister or my friends--the complicated process of sharing my woes, explaining my experiences and getting advised in turn is simply too exhausting. I need to bitch in peace, without subjecting myself to the judgement of others and their good-intentioned solutions. Talking takes too much effort.

How can I feel so lonely, yet crave so much for the lack of human contact? I find myself weighed down by a constant frustration that remains uneased; I dislike what I am becoming; I hate having to make the painful decisions between my responsibilities, obligations, relationships, desires and personal ambition. I feel like a battery that gets totally depleted, charges a little on the Sunday afternoon truly free to me, then depletes totally again during the week. I need time by myself, time to think about my life. Quality time with my friends, not something squeezed in between two events. Quantity time with my family--it doesn't even have to be very impactful; I just have to hang around in the house.

But of course, everything is my own bloody choice. I imagine responsibilities due to me, blow them out of proportion, shackle myself needlessly to too many commitments. True, true. But just for the record, I FREAKING HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT. No reason, actually. Rationally, it's correct. I JUST FREAKING HATE IT. I'm cranky, I know. But how many people know how difficult it is for me to choose between them? It's a selfish belief that no one not me will truly understand. Forgive me.

And that's, of course, assuming that I'm fulfilling them in the first place. But I'm not, and I do know it. Perhaps too many tasks lead to the failure of all of them, but I cling on to the self-delusion that I should still keep them. So many parties that I am compromising--VJ, my family, my friends. Even my tuition pupils. SCGS too, a little, when I leave for China. ARGH. I know! I really do know, and I'm sorry for it. Don't worry, to people who are inclined to offer me reassurances to make me feel better, this is not a self-destructive, fishing-for-comfort speech. I think that's just tiring for both sides. I'm facing up to reality, perhaps in a somewhat angsty tone. And this doesn't change the fact that I would sacrifice each one in turn for another sometime in the future.

Then it always boils down to this: would I achieve? Can I? My one redeeming point is that I'm not in the habit of running away from my mistakes. I've made so many, and I think of them near daily. But sometimes I have to admit to myself that it is just a lack of capability, will, determination--qualities that I should have cultivated but I haven't.

During my period of depression in JC I cried a little here and there, but this is different--there are no tears to shed. It is not darkness that weighs down on my soul, but endless frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, and the simmering irritation that comes with too much human contact. I need peace.

My father could be losing his job in a few months time. SingTel is discussing the sale for the entire division he is working in, which means about 80+ people could be laid off. I'm not worried about finances; my sister has graduated and I'm old enough to start supporting myself. We have sufficient savings. What I feel upset about is the fact that he is still an energetic, vigorous man, who takes pride in his work. I feel like my parents are both losing an important part of their lives--my mother, her dedication to the pupils and her health; my father, his work.

Life is about weathering one crisis after another, I presume, because I feel like one crisis after another has been appearing for the last one-and-a-half years. It is our strength and affection for each other that carry us through.