To Judith and all others who say I lack hormones: I think I have a level one crush! I find one of my debate juniors rather cute and I think that he has a nice smile. My mind also wanders to him occasionally, so it fulfills the technical definitions. Does that count?

Other than that, my life has been dreary. I was rather grumpy today and especially didn't feel like talking to my parents. I'm sick of explaining myself. Can't people just accept what I do and say and just stop asking? Oh from my parents there's a whole slew of questions, but even in school now some people go, "WHY do you still take Chinese?" or "Why did you come VJ? (after one and a half years some pple still ask that)".

Especially parents. You know, I think school and the stage between adolescence and adulthood doesn't suit people like me. I'm so sick of the restrictions that surround us: for God's sake, EIGHTEEN IS NOT YOUNG. If it wasn't for education, I would be working, starting my own family and basically making my own decisions. It isn't the rebelliousness of teenagers either, and I'm not this hot-blooded youngster that has a big ego but little brain. I find school so childish--so many rules just to instill discipline, like it hasn't been done continually in my last ten years. Respect for authority just because it is authority. Well, yes, it's not that I see no point in it at all; but suddenly I just feel too old for all these. Urgh, man, you know I really always thought Brenda was this little old woman inside a young girl, but after meeting her on Saturday i realised that I feel even older. This is terrible.

There's still university to go through. I had everything clear within me a few months ago--my direction in life, what I wanted to achieve in the end, and exactly where I wanted to go in the next few years. Now I feel so lost and trapped. And so tired. The details of my process has become blurred, yet my end point is clearer than ever before, leaving me stuck in the middle of nowhere not knowing where to go.