I went for college day yesterday, which turned out to be quite amusing, mainly due to the conversation I was having with the person sitting beside me. First the guest of honour, Tharman's picture was flashed up on the screen, with an expression commonly seen in many obituaries. Directly below it were the words:

Guest of Honour
Tharman Shanaguratnam
Minister of Education

Naturally we both commented that it looked like words on a tombstone.

Grand music then started playing in the background, and a procession of 8 people wearing black suits with a white flower pinned at the breast came up on stage.

We also spent some time marvelling at how different Kylash looked with his new hairstyle, a curly mess on his head. Later we realised that it was not Kylash at all, but his brother, which explained the dissimilar features as well.

I recieved a surprisingly large number of birthday wishes this year, from several whom I thought I lost contact with. I also got a fair number of furry presents. A black furry pencil case, a pink furry handphone pouch, a furry rainbow snake, and a furry flower cushion. I appreciate the thought, I really do, although I must admit to have avoided this category of items since primary school. I blame it all on my cartoon T-shirts.

I had an interesting conversation with my mother on the day before.

Mother: "What do you want for your birthday?"

Me: "An MP3 player with my favourite songs in it."

Mother: "Really? But you don't listen to music much."

Me: "That's because I don't have an MP3 player with my favourite songs in it."

Mother: "Oh. Anyway it's too late, because we (parents) have already bought you your present."

Oh well.

I was totally astounded a few days ago by a horoscope I read about myself, from a Chinese horoscope website Lin Zi gave me. I never really fulfilled all the characteristics of Leos, but this one was a long description separating female leos and male leos. Reading it was like ticking a row of checkboxes down a list. Because posting it up here would reveal some things I rather people not know, I shall refrain from doing so.

So many things, so many thoughts recently, that I don't really know what to put into words. I think I'm losing my sense of humour. It got left somewhere in China, when I was already not very funny. Not that I was ever really funny in the first place. I just found more things funny in general, I guess.

I tricked Bryan to walk to Kembangan today. It wasn't complete trickery; he said he wanted to go to look at some LAN centre and I told him it was a short walk. Not that I'm sorry for it--it's probably the most exercise he has had for a long time. Unfortunately I don't think the LAN centre is sufficient motivation for him to ever walk there again.

I'm starting to feel the growing need for solitude again. I'm around too many people lately. Or rather, too many times around the same people. My mother keeps complaining that I stay up till unholy hours and continually tells me that my family and social life would be unbalanced--little does she know that it is the quiet each night that keeps me going the next day, and the next.

I don't look forward to orientation. I feel too old for it, in a way that I can't explain. But I know that I'll go for it, cheer like anybody else and show great enthusiasm in all the activities because I myself hate spoilsports. Grin at everyone and tell them how much fun I'm having, pretending to myself that I really am having a lot of fun. When all that is over I'll reach home and think to myself, "Thank gods, it's over.", and tell the next person it's really quite enjoyable.

I'm so angry lately. Angry and frustrated with the world and human nature. Another change in me that I dislike, but can't do much about.

I'm going to close my Blog. No one really reads it anymore, and I've lost the urge, the sudden commentary in my mind that I want to express in writing. Too many people know of it, and I can't be bothered to change it to something else. I sit on it a few days first though.

Oh, as a side note, my birthday is on the 25th, not the 23rd or the 27th. Why do so many people get it two days off, then comfort themselves by saying they at least got the month right? Meeting up before you all start uni would be nice, by the way. No need for presents--just show your face before I lose the chance to see it for the next few months.

(The no need for presents comment does not apply to Judith and Lin Zi, because the two of you belong in my list of people who must give me presents. It's supposed to be a compliment. Muahahahaha.)

It's been a long time.

The reason being, I didn't have much inspiration.

And I was lazy.

And I appear to have turned very lame in the course of these few days.

Anyway, I'm in Amoz's house now. We were supposed to be having training but after quite a lot of pizza, the blood that was supposed to be in the brain went to the stomach, and the males, who had less blood to begin with, started playing computer games. Divyesh was very hardworking and slept with his MP3 player instead. The only female in the group, that being me, got influenced and spent her time watching all the cool moves on the screen.

Which shows something about the positive effect pizza has on me.

I got to see another side to Teck Wee today. I never knew him to be the kind of guy that goes "ARGH" in a strangled voice whenever his character (on screen) gets hit. Then again, there's a lot I don't know about guys when they play computer games.

To be fair, I make funny noises too, when I think I can get away with it without too much damage to my reputation.

There was a shortage of computers today--only two for four people. So Bryan and Amoz kept asking with great concern whether Divyesh was done with his speech, ostensibly so that they could do other important things with technology. Which is to play "Dota", an extremely important game which currently takes up all their remaining life outside school.

Imran proudly declared, in the course of beating Bryan, that he was "Leia the Hutt", because he just beat "Jabba the Hutt". This implied two things: he has an overwhelming feminine subconscious, and a secret desire to be married to Bryan.

I have come to the end of my inspiration.

I feel like eating something again, damn.

Wow wee! The blogskin is cute! It even comes with a comments thingy and it's ARCHIVED. YES! Thank you Felda! I never have to learn HTML because I have lovely friends to help me with it. Everybody comment! Say how much you like it or I'll post on your blog (if you have one) and complain about it's design.

I'm suffering from inertia. Which means I'm too lazy to blog now so I shall do it tomorrow.

Here are my flight details, for those who are interested.

Date: 22nd June
Arriving: 740 p.m.
Flight number: CX711, from Hong Kong (it's a transit flight)

It's just as well that I'm leaving now. Temperature in Beijing reached 38 degrees today, and expected to go up to 42 degrees sometime this month. I feel like I'm being baked in an oven.

By the way, I can't access blogs in China--it's banned, although I can still post. That's why I can't reply to any tagboard messages.

Fiorina's Commencement Address
Here's what she told the graduates and their guests at the North Carolina Agricultural & Technical State University on May 7

My fellow job seekers: I am honored to be among the first to congratulate you on completing your years at North Carolina A&T. But all of you should know: as Mother's Day gifts go, this one is going to be tough to beat in the years ahead.

The purpose of a commencement speaker is to dispense wisdom. But the older I get, the more I realize that the most important wisdom I've learned in life has come from my mother and my father. Before we go any further, let's hear it one more time for your mothers and mother figures, fathers and father figures, family, and friends in the audience today.

When I first received the invitation to speak here, I was the CEO of an $80 billion Fortune 11 company with 145,000 employees in 178 countries around the world. I held that job for nearly six years. It was also a company that hired its fair share of graduates from North Carolina A&T. You could always tell who they were. For some reason, they were the ones that had stickers on their desks that read, "Beat the Eagles."

But as you may have heard, I don't have that job anymore. After the news of my departure broke, I called the school, and asked: do you still want me to come and be your commencement speaker?

Chancellor Renick put my fears to rest. He said, "Carly, if anything, you probably have more in common with these students now than you did before." And he's right. After all, I've been working on my resume. I've been lining up my references. I bought a new interview suit. If there are any recruiters here, I'll be free around 11.

I want to thank you for having me anyway. This is the first public appearance I've made since I left HP. I wanted very much to be here because this school has always been set apart by something that I've believed very deeply; something that takes me back to the earliest memories I have in life.

One day at church, my mother gave me a small coaster with a saying on it. During my entire childhood, I kept this saying in front of me on a small desk in my room. In fact, I can still show you that coaster today. It says: "What you are is God's gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to God."

Those words have had a huge impact on me to this day. What this school and I believe in very deeply is that when we think about our lives, we shouldn't be limited by other people's stereotypes or bigotry. Instead, we should be motivated by our own sense of possibility. We should be motivated by our own sense of accomplishment. We should be motivated by what we believe we can become. Jesse Jackson has taught us; Ronald McNair taught us; the Greensboro Four taught us; that the people who focus on possibilities achieve much more in life than people who focus on limitations.

The question for all of you today is: how will you define what you make of yourself?

To me, what you make of yourself is actually two questions. There's the "you" that people see on the outside. And that's how most people will judge you, because it's all they can see - what you become in life, whether you were made President of this, or CEO of that, the visible you.

But then, there's the invisible you, the "you" on the inside. That's the person that only you and God can see. For 25 years, when people have asked me for career advice, what I always tell them is don't give up what you have inside. Never sell your soul - because no one can ever pay you back.

What I mean by not selling your soul is don't be someone you're not, don't be less than you are, don't give up what you believe, because whatever the consequences that may seem scary or bad -- whatever the consequences of staying true to yourself are -- they are much better than the consequences of selling your soul.

You have been tested mightily in your life to get to this moment. And all of you know much better than I do: from the moment you leave this campus, you will be tested. You will be tested because you won't fit some people's pre-conceived notions or stereotypes of what you're supposed to be, of who you're supposed to be. People will have stereotypes of what you can or can't do, of what you will or won't do, of what you should or shouldn't do. But they only have power over you if you let them have power over you. They can only have control if you let them have control, if you give up what's inside.

I speak from experience. I've been there. I've been there, in admittedly vastly different ways -- and in many ways, in the fears in my heart, exactly the same places. The truth is I've struggled to have that sense of control since the day I left college.

I was afraid the day I graduated from college. I was afraid of what people would think. Afraid I couldn't measure up. I was afraid of making the wrong choices. I was afraid of disappointing the people who had worked so hard to send me to college.

I had graduated with a degree in medieval history and philosophy. If you had a job that required knowledge of Copernicus or 12th Century European monks, I was your person. But that job market wasn't very strong.

So, I was planning to go to law school, not because it was a lifelong dream - because I thought it was expected of me. Because I realized that I could never be the artist my mother was, so I would try to be the lawyer my father was. So, I went off to law school. For the first three months, I barely slept. I had a blinding headache every day. And I can tell you exactly which shower tile I was looking at in my parent's bathroom on a trip home when it hit me like a lightning bolt. This is my life. I can do what I want. I have control. I walked downstairs and said, "I quit."

I will give my parents credit in some ways. That was 1976. They could have said, "Oh well, you can get married." Instead, they said, "We're worried that you'll never amount to anything." It took me a while to prove them wrong. My first job was working for a brokerage firm. I had a title. It was not "VP." It was "receptionist." I answered phones, I typed, I filed. I did that for a year. And then, I went and lived in Italy, teaching English to Italian businessmen and their families. I discovered that I liked business. I liked the pragmatism of it; the pace of it. Even though it hadn't been my goal, I became a businessperson.

I like big challenges, and the career path I chose for myself at the beginning was in one of the most male-dominated professions in America. I went to work for AT&T. It didn't take me long to realize that there were many people there who didn't have my best interests at heart.

I began my career as a first level sales person within AT&T's long lines department. Now, "long lines" is what we used to call the long distance business, but I used to refer to the management team at AT&T as the "42 longs" - which was their suit size, and all those suits - and faces - looked the same.

I'll never forget the first time my boss at the time introduced me to a client. With a straight face, he said "this is Carly Fiorina, our token bimbo." I laughed, I did my best to dazzle the client, and then I went to the boss when the meeting was over and said, "You will never do that to me again."

In those early days, I was put in a program at the time called the Management Development Program. It was sort of an accelerated up-or-out program, and I was thrown into the middle of a group of all male sales managers who had been there quite a long time, and they thought it was their job to show me a thing or two. A client was coming to town and we had decided that we were getting together for lunch to introduce me to this customer who was important to one of my accounts.

Now the day before this meeting was to occur, one of my male colleagues came to me and said, "You know, Carly, I'm really sorry. I know we've had this planned for a long time, but this customer has a favorite restaurant here in Washington, D.C., and they really want to go to that restaurant, and we need to do what the customer wants, and so I don't think you'll be able to join us."

"Why is that?" I asked. Well, the restaurant was called the Board Room. Now, the Board Room back then was a restaurant on Vermont Avenue in Washington, D.C., and it was a strip club. In fact, it was famous because the young women who worked there would wear these completely see-through baby doll negligees, and they would dance on top of the tables while the patrons ate lunch.

The customer wanted to go there, and so my male colleagues were going there. So I thought about it for about two hours. I remember sitting in the ladies room thinking, "Oh God, what am I going to do? And finally I came back and said, "You know, I hope it won't make you too uncomfortable, but I think I'm going to come to lunch anyway."

Now, I have to tell you I was scared to death. So the morning arrived when I had to go to the Board Room and meet my client, and I chose my outfit carefully. I dressed in my most conservative suit. I carried a briefcase like a shield of honor. I got in a cab. When I told the taxi driver where I wanted to go he whipped around in his seat and said, "You're kidding right?" I think he thought I was a new act.

In any event, I arrived, I got out, I took a deep breath, I straightened my bow tie, and went in the door - and you have to picture this - I go into the door, there's a long bar down one side, there's a stage right in front of me, and my colleagues are sitting way on the other side of the room. And there's a live act going on the stage. The only way I could get to them was to walk along that stage. I did. I looked like a complete idiot. I sat down, we had lunch.

Now, there are two ends to that story. One is that my male colleagues never did that to me again. But the other end to the story, which I still find inspiring, is that all throughout lunch they kept trying to get those young women to dance in their negligees on top of our table -- and every one of those young women came over, looked the situation over and said, "Not until the lady leaves."

It even followed me to HP. As you may know, the legend of HP is that it began in a garage. When I took over, we launched a get-back-to-basics campaign we called "the rules of the garage." A fellow CEO at a competitor saw that and decided to do a skit about me. In front of the entire financial analyst and media community, he had an actress come out with blond hair and long red nails and flashy clothes, and had a garage fall on her head. It made big headlines locally. It made me feel a lot like the "token bimbo" all over again.

I know all of you have your own stories. When you challenge other people's ideas of who or how you should be, they may try to diminish and disgrace you. It can happen in small ways in hidden places, or in big ways on a world stage. You can spend a lifetime resenting the tests, angry about the slights and the injustices. Or, you can rise above it. People's ideas and fears can make them small - but they cannot make you small. People's prejudices can diminish them - but they cannot diminish you. Small-minded people can think they determine your worth. But only you can determine your worth.

At every step along the way, your soul will be tested. Every test you pass will make you stronger.

But let's not be naive. Sometimes, there are consequences to not selling your soul. Sometimes, there are consequences to staying true to what you believe. And sometimes, those consequences are very difficult. But as long as you understand the consequences and accept the consequences, you are not only stronger as a result, you're more at peace.

Many people have asked me how I feel now that I've lost my job. The truth is, I'm proud of the life I've lived so far, and though I've made my share of mistakes, I have no regrets. The worst thing I could have imagined happened. I lost my job in the most public way possible, and the press had a field day with it all over the world. And guess what? I'm still here. I am at peace and my soul is intact. I could have given it away and the story would be different. But I heard the word of Scripture in my head: "What benefit will it be to you if you gain the whole world, but lose your soul?"

When people have stereotypes of what you can't do, show them what you can do. When they have stereotypes of what you won't do, show them what you will do. Every time you pass these tests, you learn more about yourself. Every time you resist someone else's smaller notion of who you really are, you test your courage and your endurance. Each time you endure, and stay true to yourself, you become stronger and better.

I do not know any of you personally. But as a businessperson and a former CEO, I know that people who have learned to overcome much can achieve more than people who've never been tested. And I do know that this school has prepared you well. After all, North Carolina A&T graduates more African Americans with engineering degrees than any other school in the United States. It graduates more African American technology professionals than any other school. It graduates more African American women who go into careers in science, math, and technology than any other school. Your motto is right: North Carolina A&T is truly a national resource and a local treasure. And Aggie Pride is not just a slogan - it's a hard-earned fact!

Never sell your education short. And the fact that this school believed in you means you should never sell yourself short. What I have learned in 25 years of managing people is that everyone possesses more potential than they realize. Living life defined by your own sense of possibility, not by others notions of limitations, is the path to success.

Starting today, you are one of the most promising things America has to offer: you are an Aggie with a degree.

My hope is that you live life defined by your own sense of possibility, your own sense of worth, your own sense of your soul. Define yourself for yourself, not by how others are going to define you - and then stick to it. Find your own internal compass. I use the term compass, because what does a compass do? When the winds are howling, and the storm raging, and the sky is so cloudy you have nothing to navigate by, a compass tells you where true North is. And I think when you are in a lonely situation, you have to rely on that compass. Who am I? What do I believe? Do I believe I am doing the right thing for the right reason in the best way that I can? Sometimes, that's all you have. And always, it will be enough.

Most people will judge you by what they see on the outside. Only you and God will know what's on the inside. But at the end of your life, if people ask you what your greatest accomplishment was, my guess is, it will be something that happened inside you, that no one else ever saw, something that had nothing to do with outside success, and everything to do with how you decide to live in the world.

What you are today is God's gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to God. He is waiting for that gift right now. Make it something extraordinary.

Well, since it may be some time before I go online again, here are a few interesting facts about China and my company.

1) Zebra crossings and traffic lights in China are not really pedestrain crossings, more like a legal jaywalking area. Generally traffic here follows the "biggest rules" law in this order: buses, cars, motorbikes/bicycles, humans. I have discovered the safest way to cross is to walk quickly with a large group of people, so that you won't be the one knocked down first.

2) During mealtimes, we have this strange habit of either a) talking about shit and various disgusting stuff, or b) describing the lives of whatever animal we are eating. Here are a few examples:

(while eating sparrows)
"Think of all those cute little birds."

(while eating goat meat)
"Hey, remember the goat we were petting just now?"

And this conversation during dinnertime which prompted me to type all this (we were having a KFC meal to see the difference between SG KFC and China KFC):

Chengping: "This chicken tastes very fresh."

Brenda: "Really? How do you know it's fresh?"

Chengping: "Erm, because it's tender?"

Me: "Aiyah, it just tastes fresh. There's no need to analyse it."

Amanda: "But maybe it's tender because it's fatty chicken."

Me: "Young chicken?"

Amanda: "But you never get young chicken. I mean, they'll be quite old."

Me: "Ok, adolescent chicken."

Amanda: "Ok, adolescent chicken."

Brenda (in her usual, pessimistic way): "They're probably just injected with hormones."

Amanda (catching our looks and trying to be reassuring): "Don't worry, they're probably female hormones so it's good for us."

Me: "Erm..."

Brenda: "Full of antibodies."

Anyway, that's about it. The rest of the conversation was somewhat less exciting. You get the idea of the general theme of our talk.

3) 4/5 of us are rather addicted to the computer, something that was not that evident until one was available to us. Brenda, especially, looked like she had struck gold and was not going to let go of it. You should have seen her oozing insincerity while asking Amanda if she wanted to use the computer.

Day 4:

Monday, I think. We met Nankun, who reached around midnight the night before. We toured bei hai gong yuan and walked around some old residential buildings. In the evening we went to this food street, where we ate sparrows, silkworm coocoons, smelly tofu and BBQ lamb. Generally I just liked the lamb. When we returned we met Chengping, NK's friend and another girl we're going with, and we ate Peking duck.

Day 5:

Flew to Chengdu. It was free and easy the day we landed so we went to a park and visited a teahouse. I loved the park--it was one for locals and not a touristy place we were all so used to. I was watching the senior citizens dance and I was contemplating how they seemed to be enjoying themselves so much. At night we got treated to this ma la huo guo by this friend of Mrs. Huang.

Ok, I'm a bit sick of blogging. Will continue another day.

At my mother's insistence, here is an update on what has happened to me so far in China. For someone who did not bring a camera, I took a lot of pictures, mainly by shamelessly placing myself in front of the lens. So much has happened; I can't believe it has only been one week.

Day one:

We arrived in Beijing at around nine plus at night. Our flight was delayed for an hour because the pilot had some accident and there had to be a last minute change, then we had to wait at the Beijing airport because the terminal was full. The Hong Kong airport and Beijing airport were both quite nice, but I think airports generally give the same feel once they are of a certain level. When we arrived in Beijing there were so many people at the arrival gate that we just walked past Dr. Huang without seeing him. Fortunately he decided that it had to be us and came to look for us.

The apartment we were living in lies in an area that could be considered the "silicon valley" of China; it has a number of universities and research institues. It's about half an hour's drive from the airport and has an extremely secure door. Our hosts were very warm and kept stuffing us. Plus help us book tickets etc.

We had slight bad luck with apartments on the first day. We lived by ourselves on the tenth floor. I had very hot water at first which switched suddenly to icy cold water. Brenda had cold water and Amanda had slightly warm water. The doors also had a scary auto lock tendency; the toilet locked by itself behind her. We were too embarrassed to call the hosts and were panicking. Thankfully we managed to open it with a ruler. Then later when I went into the room I got locked on the inside, and Brenda and Amanda had to get the keys to open it.

The next few days we had no problems, though. Hot water and everything, lalala.

Day two:

We went to Summer Palace with Mrs. Huang and spent the whole day there. It was rather crowded because it was a Saturday. It also rained the earlier part of the day. The part where I really found fun was the boat ride, where we learned more about the tunnel effect because we were, well, trying to go through a tunnel. It was a pedal boat.

Day three:

We woke up at 3.30 am to watch the flag raising at Tian An Men. Unfortunately the sun had risen by the time the flag rose, and it was very crowded, so it wasn't as spectacular as it could have been. We went to the Forbidden City, which was really really crowded because it was Sunday. Then we went KTV and dinner with some students from Nanyang Poly on attachment there; it was fun. Went back dead tired.

Ok, that's it for now. More later.

I am going to die when I reach China. Well, not die, maybe just collapse on the Great Wall or Huangshan or something equally drastic. I haven't worked out for weeks. I'm becoming lard. I haven't started packing. I haven't even bought a backpack. I haven't made my spectacles, or gone to the dentist, or bought new shoes and sandals, or done a whole lot of things I'm supposed to do. It has hit me, truly hit me, that I'm leaving next week. NEXT WEEK. Next Friday, to be exact. In the morning, which leaves me even less time.

Worse still, I have my tuition kids to settle, SCGS last training and their schedule for holidays. ACJC intercollegiate finals are on wednesday too, which means I'll be busy until then. ANd VJIP, although there's Felda to help with that, thank goodness. ARGHSRGHARGH.

I went to Batam with my sister on Thursday and Friday, and came back with a number of little realisations. There were many buildings left half-constructed and left standing, a pity because the after some time, the scaffolding could no longer be used. Apparently the reason for this was that the Indonesian governement was torn between developing Batam as a tourist resort or as an industrial city. At first they decided to go for tourism. So they got investors in and all. Then halfway through, they decided to change to industries, and all the original investors pulled out. Then there was an economic crisis, and nothing could be built.

It was such a sad waste. There was little infrastructure coordination--there were resorts in the middle of nowhere, shopping centres in the middle of nowhere and restaurants in the middle of nowhere. Transport costs for tourists were exorbitant, because there was no gurantee for taxi-drivers. My advice for future visitors to Batam to book a resort near town, like Island Garden resort or something, because the hotel taxi fares would make up the difference.

Despite all that, we did have fun. Ate and slept and ate and slept. The facilities were nice after all.

I copied this off someone, but it was too funny to resist.

Things people actually said in court

Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

On the subject of eyebags

As I was looking in the mirror just now I was reminded of a conversation my friends and I had some time ago, after a Star Wars movie marathon at Brenda's place. The lift we all trooped into on the way down had a reflective panel, so instinctively, we started examining our faces.

(I can't remember exactly how it went, but I think I started it.)

Me: I have eyebags.

Xin Min: So do I.

Brenda (pessimistically): We all have eyebags.

Me: I didn't use to have them before!

Amanda: Aiyah, but yours are not so bad already. Look at mine.

Hui Chu: I have an eyebag within an eyebag.

XIn Min (gloomily): Double layered eyebags.

Oh well. It pretty much ended there, because the lift stopped and we all trooped out, without the distracting mirror surface to remind us of our flaws. I'm just rambling.

I usually avoid writing overly personal stuff in my blog, but I suddenly have an urge to expound on my feelings today to someone, just anyone. Strangely, I find it easier to do so to a nameless audience than to my sister or my friends--the complicated process of sharing my woes, explaining my experiences and getting advised in turn is simply too exhausting. I need to bitch in peace, without subjecting myself to the judgement of others and their good-intentioned solutions. Talking takes too much effort.

How can I feel so lonely, yet crave so much for the lack of human contact? I find myself weighed down by a constant frustration that remains uneased; I dislike what I am becoming; I hate having to make the painful decisions between my responsibilities, obligations, relationships, desires and personal ambition. I feel like a battery that gets totally depleted, charges a little on the Sunday afternoon truly free to me, then depletes totally again during the week. I need time by myself, time to think about my life. Quality time with my friends, not something squeezed in between two events. Quantity time with my family--it doesn't even have to be very impactful; I just have to hang around in the house.

But of course, everything is my own bloody choice. I imagine responsibilities due to me, blow them out of proportion, shackle myself needlessly to too many commitments. True, true. But just for the record, I FREAKING HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT. No reason, actually. Rationally, it's correct. I JUST FREAKING HATE IT. I'm cranky, I know. But how many people know how difficult it is for me to choose between them? It's a selfish belief that no one not me will truly understand. Forgive me.

And that's, of course, assuming that I'm fulfilling them in the first place. But I'm not, and I do know it. Perhaps too many tasks lead to the failure of all of them, but I cling on to the self-delusion that I should still keep them. So many parties that I am compromising--VJ, my family, my friends. Even my tuition pupils. SCGS too, a little, when I leave for China. ARGH. I know! I really do know, and I'm sorry for it. Don't worry, to people who are inclined to offer me reassurances to make me feel better, this is not a self-destructive, fishing-for-comfort speech. I think that's just tiring for both sides. I'm facing up to reality, perhaps in a somewhat angsty tone. And this doesn't change the fact that I would sacrifice each one in turn for another sometime in the future.

Then it always boils down to this: would I achieve? Can I? My one redeeming point is that I'm not in the habit of running away from my mistakes. I've made so many, and I think of them near daily. But sometimes I have to admit to myself that it is just a lack of capability, will, determination--qualities that I should have cultivated but I haven't.

During my period of depression in JC I cried a little here and there, but this is different--there are no tears to shed. It is not darkness that weighs down on my soul, but endless frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, and the simmering irritation that comes with too much human contact. I need peace.

My father could be losing his job in a few months time. SingTel is discussing the sale for the entire division he is working in, which means about 80+ people could be laid off. I'm not worried about finances; my sister has graduated and I'm old enough to start supporting myself. We have sufficient savings. What I feel upset about is the fact that he is still an energetic, vigorous man, who takes pride in his work. I feel like my parents are both losing an important part of their lives--my mother, her dedication to the pupils and her health; my father, his work.

Life is about weathering one crisis after another, I presume, because I feel like one crisis after another has been appearing for the last one-and-a-half years. It is our strength and affection for each other that carry us through.

When talking to my sister last night (actually this morning), I had lots of random realisations.

I have always tried my best to keep my friendships--I don't make friends easily, and when I do, I tend to value them. Yet sometimes we wonder: is our effort worthwhile? How long would these friendships last? Old friends go off, and new friends come in to replace them; it's a natural process with the passing of time. Perhaps those people that told me that were right, and I should stop lamenting the loss of something inevitable.

I remembered what one of the CEOs mentioned in a panel discussion during Pre-U sem, "value your friends now, because these are really your friends for life." We are at an age where we take friends for granted, because they are so easy to come by, but would the same apply ten years down the road? I realised that I have no confidence over my own ability, and I lack the mentality to "just let go".

Then I realised that I keep a mental scorecard with my friends, as mecenary as I am. My irritation with Hannah for backing out never lasted long, because it was eclipsed by how she had supported me in the past, and the knowledge that she would do so in future. Lin Zi, the constant among my friends. Felda, the shoulder to cry on. And many many others. In my mind I had somehow categorised all the people I had somehow leaned on before: Lin zi, Hannah, and Brenda are the kind of friends you would most want in need, who demonstrate less in speech but more in action. Felda and Yiling are souls who comfort, who remember little important facts about your life and never fail to ask after them.

And then there are the people I never had the occasion to lean on, but friends that I value greatly. Hui Chu, whom I have strangely grown closer to in the last few months, remains a stress-free and comforting presence. My entire RGS clique - Amanda, Woon Teng, Xin Min, Hui Chu and well, me, whose company I look forward to the most and always enjoy. Judith, a good conversational partner.

Then again, there's family. As harsh as it may sound at times, experiences in the past two years have taught me that blood is indeed thicker than water--family members remain family members, with links that remain even when personal ties have stretched. My sister, who fufills all of the roles I said above and the one person whom I can never lose. Wei Wei, the little cousin I love, whom I secretly regard as a big younger sister. Wenjun, the one same-age cousin that I grew up with. My parents, and my Aunt, a fiery tempered and kind woman.

I went to Swensons with Ram today and we both wanted to order a double scoop of ice-cream. Being a vanilla base chocolate chip ice-cream lover, I wanted to order something along those lines.

So I asked the waiter (while pointing to the menu): "What's the difference between chocolate freckles and chocolate chip?"

Waiter (looking upwards with a desperate effort to think): "Errrr...chocolate chip has, you know, chocolate chips." (Holds his forefinger and thumb close together to demonstrate) "You know, chocolate chips?"

Nodding to assure him that I did know what a chocolate chip was, I asked patiently: "So what's the difference between that and chocolate freckles?"

Waiter: "Chocolate freckles...chocolate freckles are, you know..."

I waited for him to finish the sentence with "chocolate freckles" but I think he, like me, realised that it was an extremely stupid thing to say. So he stopped his words midway and hunted around the menu for something that would save him. He saw it a few seconds later.

Waiter (Face lighting up): "Yes, it looks something like this." (Finger points at the picture of some towering temptation, at the brown part between two white parts.)

I couldn't see anything special about it except that it was brown, so I deduced that maybe he was talking about the ice-cream base. So I asked him: "You mean chocolate freckles ice-cream has a chocolate base and chocolate chip ice-cream has a vanilla base?"

Waiter: "Huh?"

Me, very politely: "I mean, chocolate chips inside vanilla ice-cream."

Waiter: "Uh, no?"

Ram, understanding me completely and trying to clear things up: "So the chocolate freckles ice-cream is chocolate chocolate freckles?"

Waiter: "Err, yes."

Ram: "So is the chocolate chip ice-cream chocolate chocolate chip as well?"

Waiter: "Err, yes." (I think he would have said yes to anything at this point.)

Me: "So what is the difference between chocolate chip and chocolate freckles?"

Waiter: "One has chocolate chip and one has chocolate freckles."

At this point I just gave up and made my orders. Anyway he's quite hopeless because he got both my ice-cream order and topping orders wrong.

The SCGS Y-14 team made it to semifinals today, but lost against MGS in that round. I didn't tell them that it didn't matter that much to me, because a coach would always want her coachees to remember their mistakes. I saw them pass their POIs, help each other to write rebuttals and resolve their differences openly. They didn't know that teamwork had always been one of the hardest things to instill for any coach, and as far as I was concerned, they had learned what they needed to for this competition.

To win all the way, you have to first learn how to win. If you girls are reading this, keep that in mind and know that I am proud of you.

Invasion! Judith has shamelessly added advertising button for R&J on right >>
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I always found the idea of undressing for bed quite weird but today, a long day after a long week, I finally saw the attraction. The schedule of a very busy person runs like this:

1) Work, work, work
2) Go home, bathe, change from work clothes to sleeping clothes, sleep
3) Next morning, (maybe bathe), change from sleeping clothes to work clothes, go
4) Work, work, work

So instead of bathing and changing from work clothes to sleeping clothes, you should just bathe and go straight to bed. That means you don't have to change out of your sleeping clothes the next morning, but just wear working clothes immediately. This will:

1) Save time needed to change
2) Save water, effort and time needed for washing clothes

I'm just brilliant. However there is a slight problem with the implementation to my idea. The bathroom isn't attached to my bedroom, so I will have to wrap a towel around myself and tiptoe the distance in between. There are two problems with that:

1) Most of my towels are quite small, so they'll cover only half the parts needed to be covered.

2) The said towel would have to dry in my bedroom, which would be quite humid on the account that the windows and curtains would be closed to prevent shocked neighbours.

So I guess I'll be sticking to T-shirt and shorts.

Yesterday, on the bus to my cousin's house, I saw two cockroach nymphs climb up to the window ledge directly in front of me. One disappeared into a small gap, but the other one stayed motionless, its feelers quivering.

So my thought processes went something like this: "It's a bloody cockroach nymph. I should crush it. The bus is terribly unhygenic, gross. But if I crush it now, I'll have to hold on to that piece of tissue until the bus journey ends. So I should kill it when I am nearer. But what if it disappears into the gap while I wait? Then one more cockroach would go free in this world. To kill or not to kill. I can't stand the way the feelers quiver. I should kill. Then I will have a disgusting piece of litter to hold on to. No, I will crush it later. If it escapes before I approach the bus stop then it's fated not to die."

Two stops away from my destination, the cockroach crawls into the gap. So I thought, smart cockroach. You're not fated to die today, what a pity.

When I was just approaching my stop, the cockroach climbs out again. Obviously it was a stupid cockroach fated to die, so I squished it carefully with my last piece of tissue and folded it to make sure it was completely flattened.

I heard two very interesting ideas recently. The first is the Adidas intelligent shoes, launching this month. Apparently, if you happen to be bored one day, you can hook the shoes up to the computer and play minesweeper. I cannot begin to describe the sheer brilliance of this. Firstly the manufacturer knew that not all games are a hit in the market, and effectively eliminated this risk by producing the exact same game that most PCs had. Secondly, they understood that most people would find it extremely inconvenient to take off their shoes on the road, because they would be left with nothing on their feet, so they solved this by limiting its usage to a place where you would not need the shoes. Lastly they managed to deduce that with the long hours spent at computers these days, consumers would wish for an alternative way to play minesweeper, and what is better than a shoe that stays close to you all day?

(By the way, I'm not kidding--these intelligent shoes are really being launched. Though they have other functions like adjustable cushioning and suchlike.)

The second idea I heard came from my cousin, who was recounting an announcement made to her school a little while ago. After great discussion with the teachers and principals, the MOE is considering the implementation of a whole new policy which may change lives forever. However, there are those little details to take note of, and they're not too sure whether it should start with her batch. (At this point we would have built a grand picture of all the red tape and bureaucracy that must have taken place.) So the idea is to have a special leaving school certificate, which would include (other than the fact that you left this school) your 'O' and 'A' level results, your CCA record, and possibly your testimonial. But naturally, due to the amount of information present in this particular leaving school certificate, it would probably come up to about, oh, five pages or so. You can then hand this little stack all in one go to your future employers, thus saving you the trouble of papercliping your original transcripts together. This would greatly enhance efficiency.

Three horrible things to discover on a rainy day:

1) Your umbrella opens up to become a shallow crater and collects water as you walk.

2) Your jeans is just at the right length to soak up water from passing puddles.

3) The glue in your sandles/shoes/slippers happens to be water-soluble.

I dropped my wallet yesterday when I was trying to catch a cab to go to VJ for training, something that I did not discover until my mother calling me frantically saying that three boys had delivered it to my house. All my money and my cashcard had already been taken by some dishonest soul, but fortunately my IC, library card and other important stuff were still intact. Unfortunately I was in the middle of the expressway on an expensive cab trip with no money. Due to my mother's late recognition of my ez-link card (I was still using the one with my ugly photo on it), which I had to describe to her (she thought it was an old school pass) we took too long on the phone and my handphone battery went flat.

So I had to call Felda, on the taxi drivers handphone and because I couldn't remember her number I had to transfer the sim card. Thank goodness she got the msg and waited at the concourse for me. Sigh, I lost more than 50 bucks but I was lucky in a way, I guess. Serves me right for being stupid enough to drop it in the first place.

Something happened which I found rather amusing. I had decided to dress myself on that day, which meant I was wearing a bright pink cartooned T-shirt (yes, that one), shorts and sandals, and I supposed I looked younger than I usually do. So when we were going to take the bus to city hall I asked the guys if they coins for one dollar, and Imran said: but you look like a kid what! sixty cents is enough. Being honest, I insisted on borrowing a dollar and I got five twenty cent coins.

So when I got up the bus and very honestly dropped the five twenty cent coins into the slot, the driver took one look at my cartooned T-shirt and proceeded to prove Imran right by giving me a fifty-five cent ticket. So much for honesty. it wasn't even a one dollar coin!

This week was quite a bad week, and this weekend was an especially bad weekend. After Friday I was doubting my capabilities as a coach and feeling somewhat depressed over a loss that was so unfair most people in the room couldn't believe it. Then there was no chance for a rest, after VJ training on Sat morning, tuition on Sat evening and Sun I was so exhuasted I felt nauseous. Sometimes my mother is so damn stubborn I can't stand her. She charges cheap cos well, people have poor family backgrounds blah blah blah, and refuses to change her job scope despite having thoughts in that direction for years. When she gives too much tuition she gets stressed, which is bad for her nerve condition. Then when I take over her response to any mention of me being stressed is that, oh, she can take it up again, no problem! So now whenever I complain I have to scrupulously not mention tuition, or add in a few comments here and there that tuition is very easy.

But during this three days I was really quite touched by a few gestures that people made. First were some of the SC girls, who got me a white lily and a new pair of dainty-ish slippers cos I was always wearing the same sandals. I had intended to buy flowers for them too but really had no time before the matches. Sadly someone sat on my white lily, and I thought my feet shape looked rather strange in them but I was still very touched, nontheless. Then Felda gave me a fancy candle on Sat (the kind that you dont burn) to cheer me up. I don't think I shall ever burn it. I had a sore throat in the evening when I was giving tuition and was so surprised, upon coming out, that the mother of the tuition pupil had boiled me some concoction and presented me with it in a jar and a packet of fisherman's friend. When she was fussing with putting it in a plastic bag with newspaper lining I really didn't know what to say.

So despite my crappy few days they weren't too bad after all, because of the lovely people around me. And I must remember to make little gestures too, because you never know when they can brighten up one's day.

The day before yesterday, on an outing with Judith, I met Robin and Shirin on the way home. Other than exchanging general pleasantries, part of my conversation with Robin went something like this:

Robin: Xuwen! You're wearing PINK!

Me: Yes, I know. (The general undertone of that comment being--er, so?)

Robin: It's such a...girly colour!

Me: But I'm a girl what. I have a right to wear a girly colour.

Robin (with an expression of honest appallment, if there's such a word): But, you're not a girl. You're Xuwen!

Judith (cutting in helpfully): Give her a chance lah. See? She has pierced ears and rebonded hair. (Proceeds to wave my ponytail to prove her point.)

Due to my natural slow reaction, it didn't occur to me until sometime later what an incredible INSULT I had just been delivered. It was truly unfortunate that my brain cells didn't process that fast enough. I should have hit them both over the head with the nice, girly sling bag that I had stolen from my sister.

For some reason, Judith and I are a fatal combination. I don't mean that in the sense that we are very powerful together, more that our mutual company seems to increase our propensity of screwing up things that we all take for granted in our daily lives.

Other than our dramatic rush to watch what turned out to be a dress rehearsal at CHS, our countless miscommunications on where to meet, Judith leading me utterly in the wrong direction to go to specific locations that she swears she knows very well, me telling her the wrong bus to take to her house, us taking the wrong bus together to go somewhere quite unintended (and of course continually blaming each other for it), we had yet another incident on Saturday.

We were eating together at Sushi Tei when we decided to watch Howl's moving castle. After several phone calls we found that it was showing at five at west mall and five thirty five at cineleisure. Because of hideous orchard road traffic, especially in the evenings, the two hour plus of excess time we had, we decided to go to west mall to watch it.

So we went to take the MRT, changed the train at city hall and proceeded to chat happily for the next half an hour or so. Then at a lull in the crowd and the noise, I heard clearly as the train was slowing down, "Kembangan". This is what you generally term as an Oh Shit point in time. Anyway, we got off at Bedok and took the train back to somerset, where we made it on time but missed the movie because the tickets were sold out.

Anyway today I finally bought the beanbag for Hannah that I had been hunting for ages, from a beanbag shop on the basement of park mall. I felt rather stupid lugging it around later, though thankfully I had very helpful people around me to like, hold one end of the bag so I wouldn't look so stupid. With Wenjun and Felda's kind assistance, I made it to ACJC were the security gave a slanted look at the huge thing and asked what it was. Then thankfully in ACJC Suzie carried it aroun for me, so I didn't have to answer a hundred and one stupid questions revolving around: Hey! What on EARTH is that?

I ate a hell lot today too. Other than fish and co with Wenjun (feeling slightly guilty cos she was just looking), when we went to Hannah's house Grace and I proceeded to raid her fridge, which has a low turnover rate and requires nice greedy people like us to, you know, keep things fresh. By getting rid of old consumables and suchlike. That was in addition to the rather oily but not too bad packet of noodles that Hannah got for me. Then we sat around her jigsaw puzzle for a while, where I pretty much shifted pieces around because I was bad at finding any that fitted. As a result I forgot that Desperate Housewives was showing and came home too late to watch it. ARGH.

So many random thoughts today. i was just reading about the suicides recently, and it occured to me that every time this happens, people always say, "oh, but he/she should have shared it with us! Any problem could have been dealt with!" And we frequently forget that many a time people DO, just that we're so caught up in our own lives that we make excuses not to "involve ourselves too much". The man who killed himself out of debt did try to borrow money first.

Yet in saying this I am also a little of a hypocrite, because I realise that I look down on people that disregard their own existence. I was watching a Korean drama the other day and the main character got leukemia, and had three to six months to live without a bone marrow transplant. And I wondered, if I had been in that position, what would I have done? ANd the answer was instinctive. Round up all my relatives and friends, dig out all my savings and pour all these resources into making rounds to find a match. If i can't, at least there would be more samples in the blood bank. It was also then that I realised that I rather spend my remaining time fighting for a chance to live on longer, than getting precious company and putting my affairs in order. (but of course, I consider the age. The Korean woman was only twenty plus so I was thinking along these lines. If I was ninety I don't think I would have bothered)Perhaps precisely because I am unsure of the concept of eternal life, I love my existence so.

THis is a short letter in response to how Balaji's comments about how gays were responsible for the rise in AIDS. I thought it was rather brilliantly written, so enjoy:

Aren't we barking up wrong tree?
WE HAVE an Aids problem and two thirds of the afflicted are heterosexuals who can not only pass the infection to their spouses but also to their unborn children.

But what do we do? We focus on the one third - gays - to explain the sharp rise in new Aids cases last year.

And we blame the 'epidemic' on the annual party in Sentosa, ignoring the 24-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week activity that has also, by coincidence, mushroomed in the Joo Chiat and Geylang red-light districts.

Maureen Koh Mei Hwa (Mdm)