My sister flew off today, and quite a number of interesting events occurred en route to the airport and before we sent her off.

First was a strange and totally unexplainable disappearance that I shall simply term as The Mystery of the Missing Tissue Packet. I was sniffing on the way to the taxi, so my mum gave me her tissue packet (ok, it wasn't just a tissue packet, it was a tissue packet in one of those fancy tissue holders that both my mum and I happened to like very much) which I held until I boarded. So it was with us till we boarded. I remember the last time I saw it I was holding it up for my mother, and suddenly it was gone and both of us were wondering what on earth happened to it. We spent about three quarters of the journey searching: first my bag, then her bag, my jacket pockets, my bag again, her bag again, my sister's bag, my father's pockets, the taxi (below the seats, at the sides, under our butts and every cranny we could think of), my bag again, my mother's bag again, the taxi again. And when we got off, we searched the taxi one more time.

AND THERE WAS NO HINT OF A TISSUE PACKET! We were completely mystified by this--finally we concluded that it must have dropped into some deep crevice in the cab that we somehow had not noticed. I'm going to try to find another of those fancy tissue holders later in west mall to replace what we lost, and take this incident to be one of those unexplainable things that happen occasionally in our lives.

After my sister checked in we went to have breakfast in burger king. After queuing up for about twenty minutes we made our orders for three breakfast meals, with two teas and one coffee. The person at the counter asked a few times to confirm our order and we waited very patiently as he slowly (I repeat--slowly) keyed in numerous things into the keypad. Aften waiting for yet another ten minutes we discovered that they had gotten two-thirds of our order wrong (two different meals with two coffees and one tea) and it was the fault of the stupid cashier. Deciding finally not to kick up a fuss, I went back and opened the little paper box, only to find that my bacon--supposed to be nice and succulent in the advertisement was instead a rather reduced brown crisp. Anyway again we did not complain, so my family took turns to polish up the bacon, eating it like potato chips.

So it was time for my sister to enter the departure hall. Due to enhanced security checks only those with passports could walk through the check-in counter, so my the four of us took a long leisurely stroll to one end, where we figured would be open. Unfortunately upon arrival we found that end blocked off as well, and we had to take another long, leisurely stroll back to the opposite end, where we could finally pass. But that was ok, no complaints, because we had to exercise away some of the crispy bacon.

On impulse I bought this lovely interior design magazine (it was more like a soft cover book because it didn't have the customary advertisements) for this rather exorbitant price of $15.90. I discovered that it seems to be a Singaporean custom to have television sets in the living room, for many of the foreign house designs I looked through had only sofas and coffee tables in that area. I also realised that the soap dispensers in Changi Airport are automated--I was looking for something to press when liquid just came out in my hand. Cool, right?

On our way back on the MRT we managed to find seats halfway through our journey, so I promptly fell asleep. Sometime earlier in the distant past I told my mother that I had this automated internal mechanism like most poor students did, that would wake me up at appropiate times in public transport, except when I was very tired. Apparently she didn't believe me and was waiting to see what I would do when we reached the right stop. What happened was that I slept soundly all the way till the lady's voice said "Jurong East Interchange", where I woke up, put on my spectacles and prepared to get off. My mother believed me henceforth.

My mother doesn't understand me!

I have embarked on a jogging routine to keep fit and hopefully prevent myself from become a couch vegetable. So as usual, I went jogging today, and after I came back I attacked the marigold chocolate chip ice-cream that I just bought with my sister, which I did not eat immediately upon return only because it was too melted. (By the way for chocolate chip ice-cream lovers marigold chococolate chip ice-cream sucks. Chips are very hard but very small.) Anyway my mother went into an analysis on the number of calories chocolate chip ice-cream has, and after much repetition concluded that I just ate more calories than I managed to jog away. The logical extension to this is that I would Gain Weight rather than Lose Weight, because a Healthy Exercise Routine must go Hand in Hand with a Healthy Diet.

But she can't seem to see that the whole point of exercising more is to eat more! What incentive would I have to exercise if I have to switch from high-fat yogurt to low-fat or (horrors of horrors) non-fat yogurt, and forgo sweet, sticky stuff like chocolate and ice-cream? Sigh.

My sister's flight was delayed from today to saturday, due to the typhoon in taiwan--fortunately because the news just reported that many people were stuck at the taipei airport today. Due to my sister's last minute nature, this must be one of the rare times so many people are happy about such a delay.

I was going to write something but I forgot what.

I've been corrected by Judith about the Scrambled Eggs song--so I checked my diary and found she's right! How could I? It makes all the difference between pure rhetoric and sheer brilliance. So here it goes:

Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs,
Lalalalala!
Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs,
Lalalalala!
Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs,
Lalalalala!
Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs, Scrambled Eggs,
Lalalalala!

*repeat ad nauseum*

We're geniuses, aren't we? *beams*

Ghostly Encounters

This is the seventh month, so in keeping with the mood, I shall put up my share of ghostly encounters.

One night I when I entered my room I saw an old woman with a chalk white (really white, my god) face staring at me. Fortunately before I got a heart attack I realised that it was my grandmother, who was trying to use up her talcum powder. (Though what she was doing in my room in the middle of the night she never quite explained)

I think I was in sec 4 then. I was doing my work on the computer in the living room (it's just right next to the door) at eleven plus when I suddenly smelled perfume. After stoically continuing for a few more minutes I decided that I was freaked out so I abandoned the computer and went to sleep. Rather mystified, the next day I went around asking people what franjipani smelled like, because it was supposed to be the favourite flower of ghosts. (Judith I remember you offered to bring me a franjipani scented candle though we both kind of forgot later). Anyway a few weeks later I FOUND THE TRUTH when my mother complained about my father, who, upon waking up to relieve himself, found the toilet to be too smelly for his liking, so conveniently took my mother's expensive bottle of perfume and sprayed it around. After hearing this I concluded two things:

1) The perfume must have been very expensive
2) He must have sprayed a lot

I arrived at this after qualitatively measuring the distance between that toilet and the computer, which were at two different ends of the house.

One night, when I was asleep and my sister was about to, I suddenly sat up ninety degrees and a girlish voice (which she swore was not mine) from the other side of the bed said, "you2 gui3 ah" (there's a ghost). Then I laid back down again. Staring at me, she poked me tentatively but I was asleep, so she told me the next day. I'm quite flattered that I actually had a personal ghostly encounter, though sadly I can't remember a thing.

Another night, I was woken up by my sister who punched me three times and pinched me three times, all while she was sleeping a feet below on the pullout bed. This time I poked her but she was asleep. Because there can't possibly be any reason for her to specifically reach up and attack me in her slumber, she must have been possessed.

(This one is really freaky) My grandmother dreamt once that she was walking with her mother, who disappeared. The next day she recieved a call that her mother died in her sleep. Another time she dreamt that nui2 tou2 ma3 mian4 (you know, the horse-headed and the cow-headed humans that are supposed to take souls away in hell) took her father away, and he too, had died that night. When I was in sec 1 she felt an urge to call my uncle, and got very frantic when she couldn't reach him, ordering assorted relatives to go to his house to check. He was found lying on the floor in his room with high fever and in convulsions. He was brain dead in two days and died that thursday. (I remembered that the day after was good friday).

I hope I haven't inherited any of this from her, because these days I've been having strange dreams. I'm a little worried about Lin Zi, who told me she had serious breathing problems, though it shouldn't be due to three types of cancer. (I called and asked, "how are you?" and almost died when she said "not good"). Anyway she's having a check up on Thursday and I await the results. I hope they can find the cause because they already checked her heart and had an X-ray of her lungs.

GP essay topics today were horribly difficult, though I'm sneakily glad because that means I wouldn't do too badly relative to everyone else. I took a look at the questions and realised that my existing knowledge wasn't going to be of much use (and that would apply to all the other candidate's haha). For someone like me who didn't prepare for GP at all it was actually quite advantageous.

I think LHL broke the record with the 3 hour ++ national day rally yesterday--the people seated there must have been either very thirsty or very urgent by ten plus. After hearing him I've confirmed my opinion that he'll make a good prime minister, but I'm even more convinced that he'll

1) Try to do everything and accomplish many things during his term
2) Age rapidly in his job, and die early after he resigns

After hearing LHL's comparative fluency in Malay and Chinese I really had to give it to GCT, because his speeches sounded like, and probably were solid memorisations of what started out as a foreign language, an ardous task that should never be attempted unless national television and a very large audience is involved.

This has been a truly shitty day.

I can't do the RJ physics paper.

Li Jiawei lost, which was quite heartbreaking if you watched the match.

Against my better instincts, I went to a poetry reading performance by HC, which I thought would take two hours but it started late and took more than three hours. I frankly didn't understand most of the poems and couldn't appreciate a number of jokes that many other people seemed to find funny, but I liked the performance by the string quartet (it was really good) and some of the Singapore-related poems not because I was feeling patriotic, but because they were the only ones I could relate to. There was this perfomance by a comedy band at the end, which reminded me uncannily of a song "scrambled eggs" I invented with Judith. It goes something like this:

Scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs
Scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs
Scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs, scrambled eggs
*repeat as desired
*tune subject to variation

On the way home as I looked at the time I inexplicably started crying, because the five hours of wasted time suddenly seemed so precious. You have no idea what I felt like I was giving up when I dragged myself to this, just because of five stupid words which probably weighed more heavily on me than it was intended to, "please, it's very important to me." My presence didn't make a fucking difference, not even as company or as a seat filler, so next time please remember character differences and how such a phrase would look like to me. And I'm writing this because I'm in a shitty mood and feel like letting you know because it is your fault so don't take it to heart.

To top it all off I discovered upon reaching home that my sister forgot to switch off the computer, so it had been running for the last few hours.

Bloody hell.

Random Thoughts

I have been eating continuously today. Chips in the morning, and MORE chips in the afternoon. Chocolate, though by my standards I didn't have all that much of it. I also opened a can of salmon spread and had a packet of milo powder, because I felt like something sweet and savoury at the same time.

My sister very kindly offered to cook me corn in the evening, so I told her to microwave it for 7 minutes with a little water for steaming. Due to her natural kiasu tendencies she filled half the big bowl with water and heated it longer than seven minutes, so I got corn soup as well. Unfortunately my mother stole half my corn so I had to cook another one to share with my father.

Let me complain more about my mum. In the middle of my physics practice paper she told me to help her glue this crystal necklace together, because the metal bit dropped out and i was suppposed to have steadier hands. After that she coerced me to glue this elephant, the broken cap of a teapot and another broken cap of this container, her main argument being that "we shouldn't waste superglue". After I finished there was still quite some left so I asked her what to do with it, and her prompt reply--"throw it away, it's only ten cents." So much for conservation.

I think a new batch of mosquitoes just hatched near my house, because we've suddenly been inundated with them. As a result we've been busy lighting mosquito coils all around the place. The good thing about it is, after a while you will get naturally mosquito repelling tendecies as well due to you smelling like a big mosquito coil.

I just realised that the "archives" link in the white box does not quite lead to the archives, probably because I haven't done proper html-ing or whatever. In fact it goes to a blogger "Not Found" page. How? Any comments anyone? Who knows how to do? I think that my blog is quite interesting, so I should archive it.

I had this really weird dream a few nights ago. It started with ordinary life, then somehow I accompanied Lin Zi to the hospital for a check up, where we discovered she had three types of cancer. My brain even came up with charts and realistic looking diagrams which was showed to us then. It was more scary than the typical monster dream (which I had later, as I shall describe) because it was just so ordinary. I shall call her tonight, I think, just to see how she is.

Then I was walking in a school compound in the middle of the night. It was pitch dark and there were dogs, dogs and more dogs all over the place, staring at me and the group of friends I was with as we walked past. I don't really know what the hell we were doing there, actually, since it was so freaky. I made a face at a dog (that was quite unintentional, I think I was trying to stretch my jaw muscles) and suddenly it was coming towards me, this rabid looking, drooling, glowing eyed creature. I was panicking but as it leapt, I suddenly felt calm as I remembered that all my friends were werewolves, so I probably had nothing to fear from dogs. But none of them stepped forward, and I was wondering why and backing away when I suddenly remembered that I too, was a werewolf. Claws came out (not unlike wolverine in X-men) and the dog died a sorry death. My friends were looking at me like I was dumb, after I turned back to them.

Well.

Anyway Yiling coindentally had a weird dream too, about me, Mr. Ng and her swimming through icy seas to a ship, where we climbed onto a deck which transported us to a mushroom field. At least, that's the compressed version.

I think I'm sinking into a bout of depression. Isolating myself at home is insufficient--I'm quite tempted to hide under the blankets all day. Unfortunately that means I wouldn't be able to STUDY, which is ostensibly why I skipped school in the first place. This is really a bad time for this to happen.

My feelings toward my sister's return is oscillating between joy and pure irritation. Things slipped back into easy familiarity in the space of the few minutes (MSN is really not the same) but the nagging thought of so many things to do, my study schedule etc etc etc rather prevents our usual long chats. And she's leaving in ten days too, for another four months. Her choice, her life, her future, and the entire family is involved. Including me, the wimp, who is irritated but proud of her at the same time. Irritating. Self-centred bummer. I'm in a shit mood today. I HATE SCHOOL. I HATE THIS SHITTIFIED SYSTEM.

Everything's getting me down. My parents are ageing. Not that I didn't know that before, but stark reality was presented today when they complained about the words on a book I borrowed on Japan (for my sister's exchange program) being too small and unreadable, and blur. A youthful person like me finds the words normal. And some day I grow old too, and my senses will fade.

The birds have to fly from their nests, but sometimes young birds feel sadder than old birds. But it's inevitiable.

This world sucks. The world around me sucks. I suck. Life sucks.

I went for the econs talk today at Nanyang Polytechnic, which resulted in me getting a lot of unneccessary exercise. I dropped off at Ang Mo Kio (because the street directory showed it to be the nearest MRT station) and walked for fifteen minutes to reach NYP, after asking around for directions. Then I had to circle the perimeter of the compound to find the gate, only to go across it again to get to the auditorium. Later after the event, when I was coming out with Hui Fen, I wondered why everybody was taking the escalator downwards in what seemed like the wrong direction--ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT IT LED TO A NICE, COVERED PATH ALL THE WAY TO YIO CHU KANG MRT STATION. (Gods, to think I was mystified when Hui Fen tried to give me directions over sms--she was probably wondering why I couldn't find the auditorium when it's supposed to be the first thing we see). Can you imagine? I dropped off at the WRONG MRT STATION, got in at the WRONG GATE, and almost went the WRONG WAY to the auditorium. I'm quite impressed with my own stupidity.

In light of this, I have just urged my mother to buy a new street directory.

Anyway, we heard three speakers--the first one was not bad, the second really awful and the third pretty impressive. He was this marketing director or something from SIA, to talk about competition in the airline industry, and it was quite humorous and enlightening. The pride he had for the company really came through; I guess in a way he had a big role in building up SIA.

I am actually quite optimistic about Singapore's future. I started out the opposite--Singapore was too small to make any impact, we could never compete in terms of land, talent pool, market size and resources; and we had already reached a plateau of growth, it seems. As I learned more about other economies and did further research, however, I slowly realised that every country has its own set of problems and limitations; ours, in light, are not as major as made out to be. Nor are they inevitable constants. If you're not convinced by this you should read up--really read up on huge emerging economies like China, and already established ones like Switzerland, instead of just mutely accepting the rosy picture of growth painted for us to worry about. They have their own worries too. In fact, when we come down to a recession, we have much higher chances of lasting it out, because all the contingency planning throughout the years of our growth--substantial reserves, good financial, social and basic infrastructure will give us greater manuveuring room in a crisis, allowing us to develop other sectors if necessary. Many great economies sink and stay there because they don't have this back-up, going into a cycle where they retain sunset industries yet lack the resources to become competitive in sunrise industries. If there's one thing I'm impressed about our government, it's this.

I went out with Judith just now, in my determination not to isolate myself for two and a half months before As (or three and a half till the end of As). Unfortunately my dinner was interrupted unceremoniously by many messages regarding a certain final report (which, by the way, I sacrificed one entire day of studying for, waiting for the email and all) and many phone calls that I had to make. By the way, sister dear, next time can you not send so many sms-es regarding the same thing? I got three just to say that you blogged, and usually in your desire to communicate your urgency to everyone else you send messages by phone too, which can be irritating if you're in front of the computer, checking your sms-es and email and having to pick up ringing phones all at once.

Back to Judith. It's quite ironical that the very friend I found "zi1 ji3" in sec 2 has all along been, and now more so than ever, so different from me. Contrary to what I had believed in earlier, our friendship seems to have been based on these very differences rather than our similarities; and looking back, many of our conversations were so interesting precisely because we disagreed--but we had similar enough interests to disagree in the same topic. Oh yar, I forgot to tell you, Olio Dome has now become "Olio" and "Dome", which I discovered thanks to Yiling, so now the one above Borders is "Olio". Weird.

I was frankly quite surprised today to find my ambitions being called "scary". Well, unusual, yes, but really I've never thought of it quite in this way before. I am past the earlier stages of deliberation--wondering about the meaning of nations among civilisations that rise and fall in this huge tapestry of life; thinking if I deserve to seek such a huge responsibility, based on both ability and moral character (and whether I will do more good than harm); deciding if it is indeed what I seek for in my life path. All that is left now is a crystallised, single minded obsession, driven by a vague vision I had years ago. A vision that contained more emotion than detail, causing me to seek fruitlessly and continuously for an answer; one that caught me more by the strange uplifting of my heart at that blurred image than my comprehension of exactly what it signified. A dream that I have dedicated myself to, but will probably never see come to fruit in my lifetime.

Scary? Come to think of it, perhaps. It frightens me a little, how far I've come due to this dream. For those who see my faults now have never truly known me before and after many of my transitions--all that I have fought for and what I have achieved. Everything that I feel I have done wrong, or could have done better, makes a mark on my mind, cumulating into a kind of conscious regret for what I am now and what I could be. For all that others may think of me, the lack of self-knowledge should not be an issue--big and small faults: something I've said wrongly, an attitude I should have had right from the start but is too late to change now, little nuances of my behaviour that is either offensive or just plain weird to others are clearer to me than to anyone else. I am determined to eliminate each one to the utmost of my ability, even those considered facets of personality that cannot be changed. Every success is a personal victory.

One of the few major breakthroughs, I feel, for me is admitting to myself what I want and my own inadequacies in not achieving it. For almost all my secondary school years I have used a lack of desire as an excuse not to try, or for my own under-performance, when in fact it was a deep set fear of failure. I know that I want good grades, and I haven't achieved them not because they were never that important to me, or because of my commitment to other activities, but due to plain laziness, a lack of will and sometimes pure stupidity (nicely described as a lack of academic inclination). While in the past I found others' efforts to find excuses for me comforting, I now find them patronising, though I know intentions are kind. I find nagging more irritating than ever, because it's going to make scant difference.

I comfort myself with the knowledge that even great leaders were not born perfect, but had to learn to be who they become. I have accepted, though, that there are certain limits to determination, from the constant frustration of seeking something that I just cannot do, do not have. Like words that come to the edge of my mind when I wish to express myself clearly. Most of all, I have learned not to judge others too quickly, because I can see in my mind's eye how people see me.

And by the time I go to sleep, wake up fresh, go for the Econs talk tomorrow, come back and read this entry, I will probably wonder if I was dumb to type all this and how I could have said it better. Just that, like for so many other things, I wouldn't know quite how to change it.

I'm afraid my entries are going to be incredibly dull from now on, because recently I'm having many dull thoughts. Any conversation I have nowadays center around three main topics: studying, further studies (plus grand plans for after As), and PM Goh's handover. I lead a dull life.

I'm happy to say, though, that I seem to have gotten my ball rolling, albeit slowly. It took five days of holiday (with the first three days wasted in unproductive activity) and one day of self-imposed self-study break. Unfortunately it is unlikely that I will catch up with the more consistent workers before prelims, though I hope to do decently well.

I realised that my blog is considerably light-hearted compared to many I have surfed. This is not a reflection of my true nature, because I am actually full of Angst. I just lack the emotive power to and language to type so much about it.

I realise that I can't keep two blogs at the same time. When I'm actively communicating with my sister in my other one I stop updating this.

I watched NDP yesterday with Hannah (actually she was surfing the net in my house) and felt very patriotic. I guess it made up a little for OVERSLEEPING LAST FRIDAY WHEN IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NATIONAL DAY CELEBRATIONS IN MY SCHOOL. Argh, I'm still angry at myself--I meant to go watch the National Day celebrations and go for Econs S after, but days of sleep deprivation (plus going to Mabel cum Sin Yee's party the night before) had cumulated into a state of general unconsciousness where alarm clocks fail to make any impact, resulting in me waking up at at 12.30 pm. ARGH.

On Saturday, I went for the IE Singapore talk in the morning, then to VJ for the universities exhibition, where I joined Hannah, Grace and someone called Zhi Qiang. We went to West Mall and had sushi because all of us lived in that area. I realise how much I miss having people to go home with, actually, though it's really a minor thing.

After that I went for debate gathering, which was fun. I discovered that Amos is really very gossipy (one more nosey debate guy to join the many nosey debate guys). I suspected it at the start, but I didn't know the exact extent of gossipiness until then.

My sister's coming back this Sunday, 15/8.

I have just condemned myself to the hell of Idiotdom. The economics test I had today convinced me of that. Somehow or other the realisation that my watch was slower than the clock in the LT did not strike me, and I was going to start on the last question when the teacher said, "Pens down." The question: "If you were the trade minister, what do you think the effect of a revaluation of the Yuan on Singapore's economy would be?" Or something like that. ARGH. Of all the economics questions I had to miss in my whole life, it had to be one where I could boost my own ego on, even if the likelihood of it ever coming out in the A levels is small. Triple ARGH. All the time spent on researching on this topic and having no chance to show off! I'm devastated.

Anyway, a little update on what happened to me the last few days:

On Saturday night we sang the birthday song and cut cake, a chocolate cake from BreadTalk. After eating most of it I can conclude with greatest authority that ANGIE'S CHOICE CAKES ARE STILL THE BEST. Too bad the branch at West Mall closed down. For people who haven't already, you must try the yam cream cake and cheesecake.

I stayed up the whole night on Monday (going on to Tuesday) to complete the Glaxosmith essay, due to my inherently last minute nature and slow writing speed. I slept a little on the train and in school, but overall I was amazed at my ability to function throughout the entire day. I even went out with Nick in the after school--kind of a "July birthday people must celebrate together" groupie attitude. SO I treated him in Jack's Place, though we split the bill in Swensons later. I'm quite impressed with the former, really, so I shall promote it. For $6.50 (from 2.30 to 5.30 pm) you can order a students' meal with soup, garlic bread, one glass of coke/sprite, a choice of main course and desert. It also comes with good service, nice ambience and free flow water. I'm swearing off fast food, man.

We chatted on till about eight and exchanged quite a number of ghost stories. After that I went to buy handphone covers for Judith which I spotted at the mini-pasam malam, where I stood for about 25 min trying to describe them to her so she could decide. Talking about ghost stories, let me just write down my little anecdote, in case I forget it a few years later.

SOmetime back last year I was so tired upon reaching home that I just fell into bed with my school blouse still on. I woke up at around 3 pm, feeling filthy, so I decided to get up to bathe and brush my teeth. In order not to wake anyone up, I tried to be as noiseless as possible and refrained from switching on the lights, while I indulged in my usual weird habit of walking around thinking as I brushed my teeth.

It was the cumulation of these many factors that gave my sister the shock of her life when she got up to go to the toilet--after seeing a white clad woman with beraggled long hair, and foaming at the mouth walking towards her.

I think I should submit some of my experiences to reader's digest, but it always seemed so bothersome. I wonder if they still give money for jokes.

Ok, I just discovered how certain people know about my blog, though I realise I'm a little slow in the uptake. It's the first thing that appears on any search engine if you type "Zhang Xuwen". Dammit.

It's my mother's birthday today! I had to go out in the morning in a last minute rush to buy her a present--fortunately I found a shop in west mall that sold branded perfume, though it didn't have samples for everything. After going through tons of bottles, I realised two sad facts:

1) I appear to have an allergy to perfume, despite being female and everything.
2) Some women must like wearing insecticide out, because I can't think of any other commercial reason for some of the scents produced.

The former was discovered when, instead of feeling a heady euphoria and increased confidence that any woman is supposed to, the back of my hand started itching and I started tearing after trying out a few samples. My mother wanted a 'flower scent', but after repeated sniffing at a brand that apparently specialises in flower perfumes I decided that I couldn't recognise any species, be it 'Rose' or "Sunflower'. There were also some rather unique scents like 'Green Tea' and 'Garden', which probably included the pesticide as well.

In the end I narrowed down to two options: Red Door (Elizabeth Arden) and Fifth Avenue (also Elizabeth Arden). I was considering Estee Lauder as well but they didn't have samples for most of them and I wasn't about to risk my money. After further deliberation I finally decided on Fifth Avenue, because it didn't have the characteristic sharp smell (solvent, I think) that most perfumes have. It cost $90 for a 75ml bottle but there was a 20% discount so I paid $72. I'm happy to say, though, that it is indeed true that the more expensive brands are longer lasting, because after several hours and many hand washings the scent is still there.

I also bought a water bottle that my mum mentioned she wanted and paid for everything to be gift-wrapped in nice gold paper (to match the bottle). Overall I spent $78.80. With that in a bag I rushed to IMM to have a celebratory lunch at a nice Chinese restaurant there, which my father paid for, because I'm broke by now. (It's at the top floor, good service, relatively cheap prices, quite worth it; I'm doing promotion here. For six dishes and good service it was only $52.80.) My mum liked the present! Lalala:) I'm glad I took the trouble to have it nicely wrapped because I discovered some time ago that it really does make a difference.

Now I shall go around sniffing at different perfumes even though I don't need to anymore to convince myself that it was a good buy.

Been a little while since I updated, so I shall go day by day.

Monday:
Went out with Judith at night for round two of birthday celebrations. We went to Sakae Sushi, then down to MOS to eat frozen strawberries, where we exchanged what I will term as the NUS Ushering Experience.

After our lunch in cultural centre (we bought it from a Dome branch in there and it took supremely long to come, with all of us wondering whether they had to catch the chicken and pluck it so that Fresh Chicken Sandwich could be created), we went to the backstage, having assumed that we were supposed to go there. Somewhere in there, we encountered an Usher, who told us that we were supposed to go to the second floor of the cultural centre. So we backed out and went into the theatre, and went up to the second floor and stayed there for a while before we started wondering why we were the only team there. So we asked another Usher, who told us that the teams were in the dressing rooms somewhere behind, and the ones on the second floor was for us. To cut a long story short, we went up to the second floor, then back down to the first floor, up to the second floor and back down to the first floor again where the Ushers then abandoned us. Rather fed up, we then went up to the second floor, tried all the dressing room doors till we found an unlocked one and stayed there, until we figured the guest of honor was done and we went backstage.

What happened to HC, as Judith told me later, was that they were told to go to the second floor of the cultural centre, where they ALSO wondered where the other JCs were. An Usher then saw them and said, "Oh no! You're supposed to be backstage!". SO they obediently trooped down backstage where they encountered yet another Usher, who told them to go up again. So they trooped up. This process repeated itself for six times until HC got sick of it too and stayed put at the backstage.

I presume this is how all four JCs eventually ended up at the backstage, with everyone complaining about being led up and down and round and round before they figured they would have to come here eventually. What I find amazing is that NUS had such a studied lack of coordination that it even managed to not let any of the teams meet on our tours of the cultural centre. If any of us were less intelligent, the quiz would probably start late so that one or two of the missing teams could be found.

Anyway, I got a shirt with stuff written over it and a tatty bear from Judith. Wait, I just realised! Judith you didn't give me a card! How can you not give me a card? You must give me a card. (I sense myself repeating here) Having a message written over a shirt doesn't Count. :P

Wednesday:
I went for a debate gathering at night, at Outback in Millenia. The food was pretty horrible, except for the fried mushrooms which were quite novel. I ended up eating Felda's pasta because she lost her appetite for it (first time I saw pasta with so much vegetables), while she mangled the remaining drumstick that I gave to her in exchange.

I thought the most entertaining part of the whole event was listening to Ben describe his wedding plans, which truly reflected a Methodical and Organised mind. I quote, "By November I'll send out my first batch of invitations, and if they don't RSVP me by December I'll just cut them out. After that I'll send out my second batch of invitations..." It sounded very much like university admissions.

What I also found amusing was that although Ben hadn't really thought about minor things like the presentation of the ring, he appears to have planned angbao collection in great detail. Ram (being one of his best men) was told repeatedly that all the angbaos he collected would be passed to him, presumably so that he wouldn't be distracted from collecting some more. Haha. His best men have also been delegated the roles of drinking in his place, protecting him from drunken men, and clearing the crowd in front of him, not unlike the job of the Secret Service under the president.

I've been reduced to checking my email and updating my blog in school because my computer is (hopefully not permanently) sick with (what I hope is) a virus. If it's due to some circuit hotwiring from overuse I really don't know what to do. Thank goodness it happened on Friday, after the ppt was safely uploaded in Munbbill's laptop and the research was pretty much done, or I would have died.

Many exciting things have happened since the last time I blogged. In order of excitement: we got second for NEFMQ! We screwed the quiz horribly and had seven points from AC (who was second), so before they announced the results for fourth place we all had our heads bowed and mumbling, "Not fourth, not fourth" and there was quite a loud sigh of relief when the MC said "Anderson Junior College". Then we all thought we were next and all came out and lined up, so there was really a moment of jubilation when AC turned out third.

What really meant the most to me was that we got best for presentation. It's the first time I've ever gotten best for anything; in debate, SYC presentation, PW and everything else something will crop up or there'll be just the lacking factor for us to get top. In the end it'll be a not bad (like making semis) but just not quite there. Only what my sis told me, "to know how to win all the way you have to first learn how to" made me keep trying and tryin and trying. I feel like what we achieved was for me, very much a personal victory--I really pushed a lot in the beginning, and only in the last three days did everyone in the group really start chipping in equally. For the two weeks plus before that almost none of the meetings had a full house; Munbbill and I were the only constants. I thought about renminbi waking and sleeping and kept trying to figure out structure, rebuttal, etc etc. But later on everybody got the excitement and drove toward the goal, and FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, the final presentation was what I envisioned it to be. I've done it. And my team did it. For a group that started out without much team dynamics, with most members not very good at econs and with lousy grades that's quite an achievement. It's rather strange though, that although in the end we have a good working relationship and I quite enjoy doing the project together with them I still can't imagine us going out together. I guess that's what colleagues feel like.

I went to Lin Zi's house after and we chatted till eleven plus with both of us not realising the time. Like so many of my other dearest friends, she has no idea what to get me so I shall have to think of something I want. She got me the Star Wars trilogy last year but this year I can't think of any VCD I'm going to have time to watch in the near future. Sigh. Lin Zi won the National Econs Essay writing quiz with her classmate! To think that Judith got second for MAS essay competition with Zhi Peng too. Oh man, I'm surrounded by smart friends. I feel stupid. Very proud of both of them, though.

On Sunday I went out with Yiling, Hui Fen, Hannah, Grace and got treated to ice-cream at Esplanade Haagen Dazs. I had an 'ultimate', a slice of ice-cream cake, a little of Hannah's and Grace's cheesecake (which wasn't that great) and after walking at the riverside we came back again and I had chocolate covered strawberries. I must have eaten about 1 kg of sugar. I also got this around the world travel guide from them, though I would have asked for a China one if I knew they were going to get me that. But I'll travel to other countries too so it might be more useful in the future:), like Yiling said.

Oh, for people who don't know, thanks to Felda, the cat's out of the bag. Due to some misunderstanding she thought they knew from Ram so she pratically announced it to the debate team. But it's ok. Nothing to be embarassed about, though I didn't want it known orignally cos I thought it might be a little awkward for TAT.

I'm going out with Judith later for the second round of birthday celebrations. I wonder if she's gotten my birthday present yet, haha. And my sis will treat me again when she gets back from India. This is a thousand times better than my last birthday (the worst one in my life) where I got stomach flu and couldn't eat anything.

Now I shall keep on contemplating what to get for my mum's birthday, which is on the 31st.

I discovered many new things today.

Discovery 1: Most humans are stupid

This theory has been built up steadily throughout the day. The first lesson I had in the morning was econs tutorial, where I never cease to be surprised how Mrs Leong manages to turn every single period we have with her into a torturous stretch of time. I thought nothing much could go wrong since we were just getting back our econs MCQ papers, but she still somehow gave us the Look (the "you little dumb worm" look), and asked us all questions that we couldn't answer, not because we didn't know how to answer but because we really didn't know what she was asking for.

I have some general observations with regard to this. Mrs Leong asks us a question. We don't know what she is talking about. In order to avoid the Look we try to answer what we think she is asking. We hit nowhere near the right answer and she gives us the Look. She repeats the question in another form, and she continues to Look at us. Deciding that saying someting is better than just sitting there and looking back at her, we sprout half-formed theories linking interest rates and unemployment that we know are crap once we hear ourselves saying it. It is, however, too late, and her overall estimate of our stupidity level increases even further, and her way of overcoming it is to ask us even more questions that we cannot answer. This forms a Vicious Cycle where both sides think that the other is stupid, with the class wondering why she is asking such dumb questions and Mrs Leong wondering why we can't answer such dumb questions. I rest my case.

My theory was further substantiated in the next lesson we had, Chemistry lecture. We were told, in no uncertain terms, that the lecturer had a Very Short Time to complete the syllabus, as well as the biochemistry summary which will no doubt Help In Our Revision. I fail to see how reading the lecture notes in the speed of a bullet train and jabbing the notes on the visualizer rapidly to emphasize her points manages to accomplish this. Even worse, her efforts to draw in as little breath as possible to finish her words also keeps her voice a constant monotone; and unfortunately for me, her somewhat shrill voice has the effect of penetrating my consciousness, so that I was unable to slip into a restful sleep. I don't think that many people had that problem, though, considering that most of my row looked gone to this world.

I discovered further stupidity when I was retaking my NAFA test. While the average female pretty much stops growing taller by the age of 14, the standing board jump passing mark increases every year. So the typical adolescent is expected to somehow find greater spring in her legs, even when puberty causes her hips to enlarge. For a butt heavy person like me, the stupidity of the sports council or whatever organisation designing this test is an especially sore point because I jump to the same mark every year but I'm getting a bloody bronze (which in the PE dept's opinion is a fail) because the mark keeps increasing. Argh. I got three As and 2 Cs for the rest, so I was supremely irritated after my second NAFA today.

ANd then when I went to the concourse after PE, I encountered further stupidity. Those nice silver tables replaced the big, ugly, white ones presumably so that MORE Vj students could use them. But what has happened thus far is that everyone is just moving the table together because they find that they have no space. I don't see why the money had to be wasted in the first place.

Discovery 2: Failing a test when you didn't study feels infinitely better than failing a test than you did study

This is because in the former, you know that it's partly cos you're lazy and suspect it's possibly cos you're stupid; while in the latter, you KNOW that it's because you were stupid. I find it rather ironical that I spent the most time studying for Chemistry, yet I scored the worst marks for it. The remaining nine out of ten days I had after my competition was wholly spent doing Chemistry, becasue I knew it sucked. One day was spent on math, and I left just the day before for econs and physics. To my amazement, I passed physics, math and will probably pass econs, but I GOT MY FIRST BLOODY FAILURE IN VJ ON THIS CHEMISTRY PAPER. Argh. It was almost amusing, actually. The first thing my chem tutor did when he stepped into class today was to pass around photocopied articles that quoted "success is not forever, failure is never final". With sinking hearts we made educated guesses on which category we were approximately under.

Sigh, now I feel like an idiot in more ways than one.

My third discovery is that I have:
1) Underestimated the number of people reading my blog
2) Underestimated the gossip index of the average student

This comes after certain curious souls whom I didn't know knew of my blog, as well as several individuals whom I know knew of it tapped me and asked, "ay, who is it? Is he among those on stage this morning?".

(sweatdrop)

I deleted the previous post cos it was having problems...the words were screwed on my com.

Haha, how fast scandals spread!

I just had a very entertaining and enlightening converstation with Ram, who was telling me about rather nosey speculation about my level one crush among the current debate team. It appears that some rather kepo individuals (or perhaps ONE kepo individual) go on blog-surfing frenzies through links on different blogs. Everyone who comes to my blog should leave a tag or something. Since presently I can still count on one hand the number of people I've told my blog address to, and they're only eight pple that I know know of my blog. That makes things quite confusing.

Anyway, thank goodness this is only a level one crush, or I will probably be EMBARRASSED. Since I'm not, I shall happily provide my views on the matter.

Apparently Robin was traumatised that anyone could like tat's smile and tat couldn't imagine who could like Robin's smile. I now think BOTH of them are so cute! The way they bitch about each other is really quite adorable. Yet again, there's really no accounting for taste. But it does make sense that a big mouth goes with a nice smile.

This comes with a startling realisation--guys are really more bitchy and busybody than girls are, especially guys in debate. Though I'm happy to say that most debate guys admit it more than the usual breed of male gossipers, who feign a studied lack of interest but seem to know more crap than anyone else. I get surprised by my own dear father sometimes when he starts talking about his colleagues.

I think the one main difference between the typical female gossip and the typical male gossip is the concentration. Male busybodies tend to specialise; they pick one subject and they harp on it/him/her for an extended period of time. Girls, however, tend to bitch about everything under the sun when they're in the mood for it.

The same goes for nagging. Mothers tend to nag about everything in particular--the state of your room, your homework, your clothes etc etc etc. Fathers, on the other hand, pick one thing they wish to nag about, and will remind you of it constantly day and night (This is based on empirical evidence, after I failed my math exam in sec three). The MF duo is a truly frightening combination.

To Judith and all others who say I lack hormones: I think I have a level one crush! I find one of my debate juniors rather cute and I think that he has a nice smile. My mind also wanders to him occasionally, so it fulfills the technical definitions. Does that count?

Other than that, my life has been dreary. I was rather grumpy today and especially didn't feel like talking to my parents. I'm sick of explaining myself. Can't people just accept what I do and say and just stop asking? Oh from my parents there's a whole slew of questions, but even in school now some people go, "WHY do you still take Chinese?" or "Why did you come VJ? (after one and a half years some pple still ask that)".

Especially parents. You know, I think school and the stage between adolescence and adulthood doesn't suit people like me. I'm so sick of the restrictions that surround us: for God's sake, EIGHTEEN IS NOT YOUNG. If it wasn't for education, I would be working, starting my own family and basically making my own decisions. It isn't the rebelliousness of teenagers either, and I'm not this hot-blooded youngster that has a big ego but little brain. I find school so childish--so many rules just to instill discipline, like it hasn't been done continually in my last ten years. Respect for authority just because it is authority. Well, yes, it's not that I see no point in it at all; but suddenly I just feel too old for all these. Urgh, man, you know I really always thought Brenda was this little old woman inside a young girl, but after meeting her on Saturday i realised that I feel even older. This is terrible.

There's still university to go through. I had everything clear within me a few months ago--my direction in life, what I wanted to achieve in the end, and exactly where I wanted to go in the next few years. Now I feel so lost and trapped. And so tired. The details of my process has become blurred, yet my end point is clearer than ever before, leaving me stuck in the middle of nowhere not knowing where to go.

I realise that I'm a bloody workaholic. Too bad I can't seem to apply to my studies.

Had a headache today, causing me to sleep through GP and miss some rather exciting stuff. Exciting for GP, anyway. Thanks to drugs, my headache is now gone, but I intend to sleep early tonight.

Here's my little anecdote of the day:

I went to Pulau Ubin with my sister and her Japanese friend last year, and after some cycling, we went to this hawker-centre-restaurant near the jetty to have lunch. My sister wanted to eat Hor Fun, and on the menu, a plate of 'normal' Hor Fun cost $4, but our attention was caught by this 'Moonlight Hor Fun' which was one dollar more expensive. WOndering what the hell was 'Moonlight Hor Fun', we ordered it, and waited with anticipation until we discovered, to our disappointment that the one dollar was paid for an egg cracked on top of the brown mess.

In future, I'm going to open a restaurant and sell 'sunshine noodles'.

During the bbq Amanda came very late because of some fire near her house, and we were all laughing when she said that the strange thing was, it seemed to be coming from the fire station. Yesterday's papers did report a fire, and she was right--it occured at the fire station workshop. Apparently there were no fire engines there. Congratulations to Amanda for having witnessed a rare and embarrassing event.

I got a date for my birthday! Yiling asked me to keep my afternoon free and said she's going to treat me ice-cream at the very nice Hagen Das (spelling correct?) in esplanade. Or rather, she said 'we' so I think Hui Fen's coming along too. So happy that she remembered, although I guess I was rather explicit about it. But honestly, when I said "I'm going to get someone to treat me ice-cream here on my birthday" I really didn't mean it as a hint. As in, the party I was going to coerce was not intended to be Yiling. Thank you so much! (I thank you first, so you can't back out of it=P) Really very touched. I love these little thoughtful gestures.

Uh, come to think of it, I still have Yiling's and Hannah's present plus two nice cards sitting somewhere in my room. I better get them out. We can have a gift exchange on my birthday! Brilliant idea, isn't it?

Sigh I want to call my sis tonight but I want to sleep early too; there's a two and a half hour differential between here and India. Never mind, I shall last it out.

My fishes' home is now complete, and they're now swimming around doing nothing. Maybe I shall create another earthquake soon, though it's quite a pity. It's nicer than before; the slope is neater and the circle is more, um, circular. It was quite funny watching them at first because they kept changing their minds, they were shifting the pebbles in and out under the log like they weren't quite sure where to put them.

I realised the Judith was right--my parrot fish are HUGE. This realisation came after my mum came across smaller (quite significantly smaller) parrot fish being sold at the aquarium for $88. (The small ones are about $2 to $5, so $88 is considered very big). Of course my mum sniffed at it and commented that they were half the size of ours. After that, my sister joked that we could sell them both for $888 each. The lucky red fish! Will give long life, good health and good luck.

I was thinking about the theory of evolution when another question about God popped into mind. If God created man, who created God? If we can accept that God just existed, then why can't we accept this at a lower level: that man just existed?

I think I can never take up a religion because I think too much.

I was just recalling a conversation I overheard from my mum's tuition pupils the other day. It went something like this:

Boy A: "What's a condom ar? Can eat annot?"

Girl B: "No lah! Where got condom can eat one?"

Boy C: "But it has chocolate flavour what."

Boy B: "Yar loh. If cannot eat then why got chocolate flavour?"

Girl B: "But I never heard of condoms can eat one leh?"

Boy D: "Then maybe it's not a condom..."

Boy B and C: "But it wrote there 'condom' what!"

At that point my mother gave up and told them what a condom was. Come to think of it, condoms in NTUC are sold beside the sweet section near the counter, and are packaged in small attractive boxes. I was mistaken once myself seeing a bright pink package with 'strawberry flavour' on it.

Had such a tiring day yesterday--when I was at the bbq at Woon Teng's house at night I was on the verge of falling asleep. I was drifting off on her bed after the bbq. I asked the bunch whether they wanted to backpack in China--Brenda's interested and will probably go, Hui Chu will depending on when we go and Amanda depending on her parents and results. Woon Teng's interested but she says her parents may not allow. In any case, Woon Teng, you better not complain too much or I'll really knock you over the head and leave you somewhere (bares teeth).

I think between Lin Zi and I we've recruited enough females for the trip. So now we are desperately short of males--the thing is, Singaporean guys will be going for NS, so we need to find interested non-Singaporeans. That considerably limits our pool. Sigh, I hope Lin Zi's PRC classmates are agreeable to it.

I just found the most effective and cheapest dieting method.

1) Buy three sardine currypuffs, at three for one dollar, from the nice lady selling them just outside the MRT station.

2) You will eat the first sardine currypuff and discover it to be made of a lot of flour, a lot of butter, a lot of grease and very little sardine. You feel your jaw aching from the effort of chewing the unaccountably tough pastry, but you think that this is breakfast and you should be eating more. So you eat a second sardine currypuff.

3) After the second sardine currypuff, you realise that you really cannot stomach down the third. So you tie the plastic bag carefully and put it in your bag, not wanting to waste food. At the same time you think, in a very virtuous mood, "I'll eat it later, when I'm hungry."

4) You go to school and attend your lessons. Somewhere in the middle of the day, you start to feel somewhat like eating. You think of the sardine currypuff in your bag, and you decide that you are actually not that hungry after all.

This is how I managed to survive my day with two currypuffs at around seven in the morning and one untouched in my bag all the way until dinner.

I think it'll work with potato currypuffs as well, provided you buy them from the same nice lady I got my sardine ones from.

I shall thus name this as the Currypuff Diet.

Ok, I'm writing again because this is about my fish, which requires a special entry all by itself. Fish tank cleaning has occured! I was feeling rather bad about it because they were just doing final touches; a few days ago I saw the pale fish swim upside down, to press against the gravel so as to smoothen it. Really perfectionist, this fish. Anyway, now its all gone and they have something to do again.

I argued quite vehemently with my mum because she added this chemical to prevent algae in the water, which made the water very clear but the fish very sick. They were disorientated and weren't eating for the next few days. My mum replaced some of the water to make it less toxic, and a day later they adjusted and started eating and working again.

Haha, I wonder what their next home would look like.

We beat SAJC! Hoho, it has been a long while since I've come online without the intention of ploughing through huge PDF files by various famous economists doing studies on economic aid. BUt it was worth it, more worth it than what the HC team did cos at least it was a good fight. The rest of my team unfortunately abandoned me after, leaving me to stay for the results, because they "all live far off in the east and it's the most convenient for me." Whatever. I was going to stay to watch Judith anyway, just too bad the debate sucked as it was pretty clear that HC would win by default, if nothing else. The crossfire round was one of the most amusing things I've seen though. The second speaker of MJ was just so obtuse that you really couldn't believe how much.

Tagged along with the HC team after the whole thing, since I had no team to tag along with. Went to KFC second floor, only to troop down again five minutes later because Judith wanted Burger King, where Kristy and I got wet (for a certain reason someone would know...). Accompanied Judith to buy green eyeshadow, then her aunt gave me a lift all the way back home. (It was very kind of her, Judith, pls help me express my sincere appreciation for her. Your aunt is really the nicest lady I've known)Then I talked to my mum for two hours, for family communication.

Hannah returned home today, but I'm going to meet her again tmr to watch Around the World in Eighty Days, a presumably exciting Jackie CHan show which on of the bleating masses like me like to watch. Haha, had to drag her to it, cos she doesn't watch movies much, so it might as well be this one. In fact, we'll probably talk more than we have in the last three days, since I kept leaving home to go to school for the debate. She studied a hell lot more than I did, though, and very kindly left some of her math notes with me so I wouldn't die a horrible death during the common test.

Fortunately, I discovered that the finals are on 24th July (one day before my birthday!), not 20th June as my teacher-in-charge led us to believe. That means I have three more days to study, and I might die a less horrible death than before.

I shall make this momentous announcement:

*drumrolls*

I packed my room! Which may not seem like a big thing to you, unless you've
a) seen my room before last night
b) been living in it for two months

So last night at eleven plus, i decided that I couldn't stand it anymore, and I stayed up the entire night doing packing and filing. Nine straight hours of solid packing. I'm so proud of myself.

Of course, part of it is because Hannah's going to stay over for a few days next week, and I can't let her sleep in a dump. Which was pretty much what I felt like i was doing for some time.

Ok, my blog design has changed once more! It now contains my famous fish, thanks to Judith again. Actually the fish has changed their home too, so its not the newest update.

I still don't like the blog design, but I feel bad about bothering Judith again. SO I shall just hint quietly here and she can choose to ignore it if she wishes. Haha. Aren't I brilliant?

It occured to me that I'm actually quite fortunate in terms of relationships, despite all my previous angst about feeling lonely. I have a few good 'pair' friends and a reasonably close clique that I feel absolutely comfortable with. And I have a very tight bond with my sister.

Ah well. Today must be my 'thank my blessings day':)

Been delving into the world of fiction and cheerfully ignoring all that I need to do. I read DOuglas Adams yesterday; he's quite funny, but I think I shall always prefer Terry Pratchett because his stories lead somewhere. For Douglas Adams' books I can't really concieve a plot most of the time, just a series of events strung together, described in an amusing way.

I seem to especially like Night Watch, for some reason. It's somehow heartwarming for me, though why this is so I have no idea.

hey xuwen, i have changed the background, kind of temporarily. if you like it, you can keep it. if not, just tell me. AND STOP GIVING OUT YOUR PASSWORD!

jud

I had this nightmare the night before that may have showed that I was thinking too much about fish. I dreamt that we started having different fish in the fish tank (a few diff species) and they started killing each other. I remember the scene when I was going to feed them, of some missing fish, a few fish bones in one corner and predatory fish swimming about. The image then was truly stark...it was all grey, and the green that was supposed to be at the background had faded to that colour. And I thought to myself then: apocalypse. It was very chilling, and there was a world of difference between that and the happy, domesticated fish we have in our tank trying to improve their lives. If the end of human civilisation would ever come about, it may be like this.

I've been thinking especially much about God these days, when I look at my fish (excuse my speculations if you have prior beliefs). In the perspective of my fish, I could be God--I provide them with the space to live in, food to eat,in fact everything in the environment--the gravel, the log, the flower, has been given by me. They see my face sometimes, and they swim against their tank in wonder.

Yet, as much as I want to, beyond that, I can't control their lives. If they fight among each other, the most I could do is remove one party (it happened for quite some time before there was 'peace'), not intervene. When two big fish bully one smaller one (that happened too, for a while until the small one died of heart attack) and prevent it from eating, I can't do much either.

I can't dictate what they are building in the tank. In fact, I have no idea what they are doing...At first, I thought that the cleared space at the left side of the log (the empty circle surrounded by larger pebbles) was for them to sleep, but last night I discovered them to be sleeping on the other side, in what appeared to be the 'garden'. So what's it's purpose? Or is it still 'under construction'? I truly have no idea. I tried to help them in the past by shifting the log, and my mum removed some gravel when the slope was piling up too high. Now though, I've kind of given up because I can only guess at their thoughts. For all I know, they could be developing complex theories about stones.

I have the best intentions for them, and I would do everything in my power to prevent the apocalypse as mentioned above; yet what I can do is limited, not by choice but by circumstance. If there is indeed a God (that's still a question I'm pondering), perhaps He's not this omnipotent, omniprescent character that can control our lives, because our fate, to a large extent continues to be self-dictated.

To people who complain that I'm obsessed about my fish, this is one of the reasons for my continued fascination. There are so many parallels to be drawn to the human world in this perspective.

For example, nothing could show better than this the power of cooperation. When the two fish were fighting, both sides lived in general fear, gobbled their food and went to opposite sides of the tank. After they became good friends, the tank went through a major revamp, which I shall not elaborate cos I've described too much already. Living standards have improved now that resources are not being wasted in fighting.

Though I must say, the thought of a big alien in the sky is quite a frightening one.

What do you think?

I wish something can be done about my blog. It's a bit screwed, but I didn't do anything to it so I don't know how to right it.

Yesterday I watched this show 'the odd couple'--a Hwa Chong EL production. To think that I refused most of the concerts in my school because I was too lazy to get off my bum and was in the end, dragged up by a rather determined Judith. It was not bad lah, quite funny, though I thought the ending somehow unsatisfactory.

I saw Woon Teng watching the show too! I guess it just didn't occur to both of us to tell each other. She's looking better--slimmer, I think, better taste in clothes and nicely brushed long hair:) Pretty. But anyway, I didn't stay to talk to her because I was being dragged off (literally) by yet again, Judith, the publicity head or whatever, to pay $1.50 for a programme booklet because it had her name in it. In the end I paid $2 for a programme booklet and a 'free' drink.

TALKING ABOUT PROGRAMME BOOKLETS, NOW I'M STUCK WITH ONE THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH BECAUSE I PAID $1.50 FOR IT AND IT HAS NO USE TO ME WHATSOEVER. JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU. SO THERE. Haha, maybe I'll cut out your name and paste it in my diary, just to be perverse. And thanks for the 'letter', my father passed it to me when I got home, though I was wondering originally why it came in so many pieces:)

My father bought this budget calling card so that I could call my sis. I called her three times this week--by the way they cheat your money cos I'm supposed to have a talk time of one hour, but it worked out to be only 35 min, though it's still cheaper than IDD rates. I have two more cards to call with.

These few days have been rather eventful.

Wednesday morning was council investiture. Or rather, investiture for the new batch, stepping down for us.

It's quite strange that after complaining so much about the council, I actually felt a sense of loss when I took off my black tag. It seemed rather empty. After all, I did spend a rather large amount of time in it, even if I wasn't as committed as some others.

I'm quite proud to be a part of a council that was special, in the new initiatives that we set up for the school--though I really can't claim any credit for that. We worked together, no matter what quarrels we had, with necessity driving us if nothing else.

I used to think that ceremonies were useless. The time spent as part of an audience, sitting through endless rounds of clapping and hand-shaking; the effort taken to prepare and rehearse for them seemed disproportionate to any real gains that could be reaped from it. What purpose does it serve, except to provide some psychological lack that can be fulfilled by other, more efficient ways?

Yet after that day, I changed my mind: ceremonies do provide a sense of initiation and closure, though I believe the latter to be more important. It's not something that can be only be truly appreciated with personal experience. Furthermore, the preparation for the ceremony gathers the entire group for perhaps what could be the one last time (at least, the last time workin together), and gives the opportunity for proper goodbyes.

COmparing council and debate, the difference becomes even more stark. For debate, we had an intense of preparation during competition season, yet after, everyone just kind of faded away into busy schedules, with any attempts at a group dinner thwarted by that very reason. When I see the new team now, I feel like I'm hanging in the middle...not in, but not out. And I wish the old team could have had at least one last gathering before the ties were lenghtened and the mood dispelled.

Wednesday afternoon, or rather, Wednesday evening (considering the rain) was soccer finals. I'm so glad we won after last year's loss. I thought the best moment for me, as one of the supporters was actually when SAJC scored an equalizer goal after the half time. At that point, the whole VJ contingent erupted and started serious cheering of 'fight on VJ fight on' etc. The elation when VJ scored again was really something to experience. I was just thinking of the World CUp in Korea a few years ago...imagine if you were the team opposing Korea and just walked into a stadium full of red dots singing Korean songs. My gosh. It must have been quite intimidating.

And yesterday was the hockey match. I was so relieved when VJ scored after half time...the way the match was progressing, it seemed like it was going to go into penalties again, a rather nerve wrecking moment. Last year hockey won on penalties but soccer lost, so this year luck may turn. But anyway, we won. hahaha.

I'm not quite sure when was the exact moment the revelation came about, but I realised that my survival instinct has somehow strengthened considerably in the space of the last few weeks. It's like I suddenly just KNOW how precious mortality is...like a spark that is gone, once it dies out. Again, that image seemed to have carved itself deep into my subconcious, though I can't remember exactly when I got it. I saw a TV advertisement for the show Deep Impact yesterday night, and I was asking myself, "If all your loved ones had to be left behind, would you choose to live on?" And contrary to what I originally believed of myself, the answer was 'Yes.' I used to somewhat approve of euthanasia, thinking that no life was better than life in pain, but now I know that I would fight on till the last moment, no matter what I was enduring. It was almost frightening.

I'm changing. i don't know how but I am. I guess I shall just await future developments.

I went to the optician's yesterday. To my great relief, my degree only increased by 25 each--I thought it was much worse because everything seemed to be getting blurrer and I was getting headaches from staring at the screen. Got a pair of new purple spectacles, and I've decided on contacts too, though that will come in june.

This has been a hectic week.

My fishes are continually changing their home deco. This time its really fantastic. They made the slope higher, shifted the log back (as in, nearer to the centre) and even moved the fake plant! At first they shifted the large pebbles under the log, don't know for what, and now they've pushed it out again to make a clearing behind the log! As in, they cleared this space behind the log at the left side of the tank of all the gravel, piling them further up on the slope, and they surrounded this clearing with the large pebbles. Its circular. This is truly amazing, I'll upload pictures if the digital camera wasn't in India with my sis. What's even more surprising is that their concept of design seem similar to ours (or did they take their idea from 'beyond'?).

I think human civilisation only started when humans started feeling safe and bored.

I realised that true friends are few and far between...and even then, the proverb of 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' does not necessarily apply. I don't think you're reading this but thank you Hannah, for being the one there for me in my darkest hour. Sometimes you don't need to have somebody there for you all the time, just someone whom you know who will help you unreservedly without judging you any less for it. Actions speak louder than words, I guess.

It seems like it is this period when I have decided on my life goals, at least, my goals in detail for my next few years. But I'm starting to feel rather inadequate...a feeling that started some time ago and fully blossomed now. I guess at one point in time we all have to accept our limits, that I'll never be as brilliant as some of my peers, and try as I might, I may never achieve the standards that I wish I could have. In terms of my looks, social skills, brainpower, fluency, etc. etc. It's because I want so much that the thought of trying so hard but failing strikes a deep fear, and the knowledge that I'll try anyway, because its all I live for.

I have decided that I will go backpacking to China like I originally intended, at least go somewhere, like on a trip to see stars or something, even if its just batam or pulau ubin. It is those things that build the most memories in your youth. Like my trip to nepal, camping trips to pulau ubin for star gazing...

Life is too short to waste away.

I think Mrs Leong detests our class. I can see the hatred in her eyes when she stares at us, talks to us, and her general unwillingness to step into the class to teach us.

Sigh. Its a cycle that feed into itself, I guess. She didn't really like us at first, or maybe she's AP all the time so we thought she didn't like us, at least, we didn't like her, so we stopped doing turorials because they seemed useless, stopped talking in class because we hated being looked at like a worm...and now it's even worse.

In any case, I belong to the category that can't generate more than a passable liking for her. Oh, she might be all right as a person, but I don't know her all that well as a person, so I only base my judgement on her behaviour in class. For starters, the way she switches on the fans and air-con on full blast really gets on my nerves. And the way she tells people not to turn it down with a withering voice and withering look, because, oh, she's cold. The whole darned class freezing and because of one person, the room has to be seventeen degrees. Doesn't she know the basics of simple consideration?

And I hate the way she blames it all on us when things don't go well. Yes, I admit that we share partial fault for some things, but not necessarily all of it, and she has not right to dump it all on us just because she can't face up to herself. Like today, when the Econs 'S' people went to look for her during Chinese lesson to either do the test early or tell her about match support today. Zhiyun was supposed to take it then too, so we waited with her.

It's quite clear that she forgot completely about the fact that ZY was supposed to take the test. She was 15 min late and she didn't have the paper--and gave us withering looks to blame us for it. Granted, we agree that she shouldn't have the paper for us, but she didn't even have a copy for ZY, and she made it seem like all our fault! Can't she just accept that she's not always right, for once? That she, actually (gasp) forgot! Irritating.

Bitch, bitch, bitch. I mean, me being the one bitching. But it's all the little frustrations these days.

Anyway, on something more lighthearted. This is an excerpt from my sister's email, on reflecting on cultural differences...

"About yesterday's trip to Pondicherry - ok, there is nothing there. Looks exactly the same as Chennai city, only with more churches, the beach was alright lah, but I could give it a miss, and I won't regret. I attended a mass, because my friends were catholic, so for politeness sake, I stayed.

Wah, I was quite horrified. They pray to Jesus and Mary like "bai shen", you know, kneel in front of the statue and like pray. Nothing wrong with it, but I just find it damn weird. It was the weirdest mass ever. They had bells, fire, "holy water" and ermz, chartings, then Indian sounding Christian song. They sprinkle holy water over the cross, and have bells as they take up the cross.. The whole mass was just like a Hindu or Buddhist kind of ceremony... Ok, nothing wrong with that, because its just their belief. Nothing is right or wrong in this world anyway. I was blessed so many times by the act of sprinkling holy water over my head. Not that I believe it works anyway. You all must attend a mass if you do have a chance to go to India. Damn wierd. Really damn wierd."

I think religion is really just a way to express culture. The basics remain the same, it's just the form that changes.

I watched Troy yesterday night, together with my parents.

When I mentioned to my tuition pupil a few days ago that I wanted to watch that movie, he accused me of just wanting to ogle over Brad Pitt. At that time I told him, "Even if I were the ogling type, I wouldn't ogle at Brad Pitt. He's too square for me--I don't really think he's handsome." Which was true, of course.

After watching Troy, I TAKE THAT BACK. My gosh, what a handsome young man. With a great figure. I can't say much for his acting skills, but somehow he has a kind of magnetism on screen(Haha, or maybe that was just my hormones). What a waste that this glorious specimen insisted on acting in shows unflattering to his looks for the past few years. Couldn't he have displayed his charm together with his acting capabilities? Truly wasted.

And the guy who acted Hector has a great face and figure too! Oh man, I sound like some giggling, ogling (though no contentions with that at this exact moment) schoolgirl. Who cares--I'm a female adolescent. I have a RIGHT to giggle and ogle:)

Overall, the movie wasn't bad, but it wasn't that great either. Certainly not enough to deserve a five star rating in Straits Times, which I suspect was the part of the reason for the full house last night. BUt the plot didn't flow, and there were glaring loopholes in it.

For one, if you had thought that your enemies died of plague, struck by the gods, would you drag a horse that they made just before they left into your city? No sense--it's plague, for goodness sake.

And why did Hector have to go down and face Achilles? Or maybe this is the difference between twenty first century values and ancient times. The conversation with my father went something like this:

My father : He's a leader of the country and his life is responsible for so many. So why on earth did he go down and fight Achilles one on one, especially since he thought he was going to lose?

Me: Yar!

My father: What will he accomplish by doing that anyway? Achilles is not even the ruler of the enemy, just a warrior.

Me: Yar!

My father: Why is it for honour and glory anyway?In the war, people get killed all the time. So why must he agree to a duel just because he killed Achilles' cousin?

Me: Yar!

My father: Plus your capabilities as a leader is about brains anyway, not fighting ability.

Me: Yar!

My mother: But he's standing down there shouting, "Hector...Hector...Hector..."

Me: Shoot him lah!

My father: Yar!

Considering the number of comments I received about my blog looking so much nicer, I suppose I have to face up to the fact that I have been rather self-delusional about my past design being moderately pleasant to the eye. I actually kind of grew to like the green.

anyway, this is to Yiling: the programme is nothing much, actually, it's just that you go for forum discussions, meet-the-people sessions , sharing by admin officers and special interviews by people who are not your teacher-advisors (I don't know what yet, last year it was GIC, but this year they said someone else would do it). You haven't missed much, unless you actually like going for this kind of thing, which I do. ANyway, it's targeted mainly for people that are suitable for PSC, which you don't want.

Just watched the channel eight special on Nepal! It shows the exact places we've gone to--it's really strange, because I didn't really feel anything momentous when I was actually there but now I think back about the times we've spent with great nostalgia. Playing cards in the common room. Vick and Tien Yew chanting away with the singing bowls. Grace painstakingly drawing mahjong cards so she could play. Eating out of lunchboxes and mixing masala. Giving each other massages at night. Our singing of Resham Firiri, with my sis and Vick dancing away with the red scarf in front. Being quarantined in my room with the two other sickest members of the group, Lin ZI and Hannah, and eating our dinners like refugees on a cleared portion of the room floor. Even more so in Katmandu, when we were finishing our noodles in the lobby cos we were too last minute about checking out. Waiting for the sunrise on a FREEZING morning, aNd in the end not seeing much of it cos of the fog:( The boat ride, which left an especially deep impression because I kept making Tien Yew and Vick turn round and round and round so I could get my picture taken from a few different angles. And our chanting with the singing bowl to see if we could achieve some echo effect with the hills around. Haha.

Even the times before and after the trip: playing monopoly with Tien Yew sweeping all the cash, mahjong, our joking...

So fun. I'm really really glad I went, and was part of the planning. I don't think I could derived so much enjoyment going on a school trip--somehow, the dynamics of this group was really good. We must have a gathering again sometime, when all of us are less busy.

In reminiscing about the trip, I kind of forgot what I intended to type in earlier. So nvm, they weren't that important, anyway. Shall go study chem now!

Oh my, blogger has undergone a face lift too!

Just like my blog:)

I'm really inanely pleased. This is the nicest semi-website I have ever owned, or rather--the first one I have. Really quite pretty, and I'm quite proud of it, though none of it was my effort. But its ok, I've learned to claim credit without any qualms.

Another thing I'm really happy about: my tuition pupil canceled tuition today! He had some lit review or something. HAHA. His exam tomorrow, his problem. I have Fulfilled My Responsility by setting aside time to teach him--he canceled it HIMSELF. So it's HIS FAULT if he fails. Anyway, the mid-years is only 30%, so I can just bug him for the final year exam.

That brings me to the slot I'm supposed to have with him on Thursday. ARGH. There's a council meeting on that day, we were just briefed. It's one of our final ones and I don't want to miss it, BUT HOW? His science exam is on Friday, and he just told me he doesn't understand acids and bases and IT'S TESTED. And I've agreed, and he's clinging on to me like a lifeline now because of HIS SLACKING beforehand. I'm supposed to revise the topics with him. SHITshitshit. How? HOw? Which to go for? I will have to figure it out.

I find it rather strange how it is that people now seem to place very low regard on an individual's drive to seek financial independence. Not that I have any contention with people who wish to concentrate on their studies, but I'm getting rapidly sick of those (only a proportion of people, but still a proportion) who stare at me strangely and ask--what about your studies/CCA responsibilities etc? And give me weird expressions that say: "tsk tsk, what young people would sacrifice for money." Bleah.

The statement is true, though (but irritating all the same), it is for the money. I enjoy the freedom of not worrying everytime I have to pay $4/5/6/2 for Physics/CHemistry/Econs/Maths funds. When I need to buy a TYS/Common Test Papers etc, I no longer have to think of replanning my budget and face the possible need of ASKING MY MUM FOR MONEY AGAIN. I hate that man. I feel like I'm a drain--there's no end. And the thought that thus far, my education kept having no return despite so much investment had been bugging me no end.

Though consciously I know that my parents can actually afford it, I can always pay back by being filial and whatnot when I've grown up and graduated and am earning big bucks, and of course they would always want me to do well in my studies more than anything...but I still want to be more self-reliant. A bit dumb, this instinct, but I've yearned to be financially independent for some time, even before JC.

So there. Though I have to keep certain unsaid promises, like giving extra-tuition during their exams when I'm in the midst of common tests, CCA activities...but it's worth it. It helps that both my tuition pupils are nice, unspoiled individuals. I've grown to be quite fond of them.

Another happy thing--Hui Fen liked her birthday present! Genuinely, not some polite response:) At least it was worth the effort I took to get it: just before the Physics test too! Two hours walking up and down, I spent. It was Yiling's brilliant idea though, to give an engraved bracelet.

I was having a look at Yiling's photo album just now. It has me in it! BUt I can't access the Nepal pictures cos of the password...so Yiling, if you're reading this can you discreetly slip it to me in class?

I got shortlisted for some Special Scholarship Programme thing that's supposed to target those who seem suited for public sector scholarships. Feeling somewhat guilty...not that its that big a deal, but there are a number of people who want this a lot more than I do. I don't really want a PSC scholarship--I just indicated my interest because I wanted to participate in those activities. I like forum discussions and that kind of thing. I didn't know there was shortlisting! So I took someone's place just because of my interest in current affairs:(

Talked to my sister online on Saturday on SUnday for a few hours.

The parrot fish appears to have stopped work. A full report will come later after further observation:)

Thanks to Judith, my blog is no longer ugly!

These few days I just don't feel like writing much, for some reason.

Xuwen: I have changed your blog template. Muahahahahaha

- Judith the Invader

Guess what? I GOT A TAGBOARD. Actually its not a tagboard, more like a comments thingy, but its an Advancement. Just scroll all the way to the bottom. People who read please just comment on it so that I know its working. Ha. Thanks to Nick for telling me how to get it done.

To people that know of my blog, please do not link it to yours without my express permission. And unless your blog is the private kind limited to a small circle of friends that I know personally, its unlikely I'll give it. Not that this one is particularly private, but I feel generally uncomfortable for it to be read by complete strangers. It can be spread around by word, I don't mind, to people I know and who know me, but no linking.

Every free time I get I go to have a look on the parrot fish. It's an obsession driven by curousity. The pace of work has slowed considerably--I think the major upgrading work has been completed. Now its just the touching up. They're currently trying to remove the pieces of gravel under the log, I don't know for what, but if its to create a hole to swim under it'll be quite futile because they're too fat. Or maybe they just want to add on to the slope around the fake flower.

Ah well, the puzzling behavior of fish.

The pale fish is really a workaholic. For a few nights, when I sleep late, I'll go to the balcony to check on them (haha, I sound like their mum). The lights are off, and by right both should be behind the log in their bedroom (refer to earlier post) and the red one usually is, but the pale one would be awake fussing over the arrangement of the stones. A truly dedicated fish.

Ok, enough about fish.

My parents just told me that they want to go to Xinjiang for two weeks just before my 'A's. With my sister gone, that essentially leaves me all alone at home for that time. I'm not surprised, they have talked about it before my mum got sick, and scrapped it when it seemed like she wasn't going to get better. Now that she's recovering, its only natural that they'll broach it again, and they're just waiting for my opinion.

I've pretty much decided to persuade them to go, actually. I remember the time when my mum was still in great pain, holding an ice pack to her mouth and telling me that if she still had a chance, she would like to go and visit all the places she could, because this has made her realise that she was aging. I remember my heart twisiting then, and wishing vehemently that she could go to Xinjiang, although I had been quite upset when she mentioned it last year. This hasn't changed.

But I have to make plans. For one, find someone I can study with or something during that period. Preferably, I can stay over at that someone's house...I am, essentially, rather afraid of loneliness. It's one of my fundamental weaknesses that I can never live alone. I don't like bringing my house keys out because I prefer someone to open the door for me when I get home. I don't feel like going home when there's nobody there--a fact I discovered when my sis and I were alone for ten days. I wait up late at night for my sis to get back just so that we can have a few words before I go to bed. So, er, I figured that two weeks without my parents or anybody else would be rather bad for my mental health.

Some people would have called this pathetic (at least, if it was themselves they would for self-pity or something, but of course no one would tell me that I am cos it's not Tactful) but I have decided that its quite dumb to put myself through unnecessary suffering to change my characteristics when I can change my circumstances. Therefore I shall get used to it as a last resort.

Hui Fen was coughing in school earlier today. I was afraid that I had passed her the cough (which I still have, incidentally), but she said she was the one who gave it to me. And Siew Sze was the one who started it all. This has fed my newly developed theory of the Virus Cycle, which is basically that the flu starts spreading from one person, makes one round around the class, by then having sufficiently mutated for the first person's antibodies to be ineffective, thereby causing her/him to catch it again. So at any one point in time, someone's always sick, and from the same virus. Doesn't it make sense? There's always a flu bug going around, no matter what season.

Incidentally, I got my Math and GP common test back today. Strange how marks don't really seem to matter to me anymore--at least, they have no real impact on my mood. There are so many more important things for me to get emotional over.

My two parrot fish are really very interesting. From the start of last week, they have embarked on a major upgrading-reconstruction project of their home. All the while my family has been somewhat amused by how they shift the gravel and wood around to make a nest for themselves, and now I can't stop watching them because they're really progressing on to the next stage. It's not just an uncivilised shifting of rocks here and there to make a space for themselves, nono, they have a concept. The area behind the piece of log has been cleared of ALL bits of gravel, so that there's a nice smooth bed for them to sleep. So that's their bedroom area. The other side is a garden--they actually created a slope around the fake flower and there's landscaping of the gravel. There's also careful selection of the big and small stones for arranging: the big ones were all carefully shifted to the bottom of the little 'hill', I haven't yet figured out for what purpose. It's really very pretty.

It's interesting to watch how the different characters of the fish are shown through their work. I think the pale one is the one in-charge of this reconstruction phase, I constantly see it pushing big stones around, picking up a few small stones with its mouth and depositing it in other positions. The red one, on the other hand, has to be prodded occasionally by the pale one, and several times its only pretending to work, while it is in fact just swimming around. When I go near the tank to observe their progress, both of them stop and stare at me, swimming against the glass of the tank. I wonder if they feel like humans staring out into the unknown depths of the universe, and if a god truly exists, He feels the same amusement that I do.

Anyway, in a few weeks time will be fish tank cleaning, and the fish will have something to do after the 'earthquake'.

My life is definitely getting better. Yesterday evening, I chatted for three hours with my sister online, displacing many of my doubts about me and MSN. Well, its still not the best--but it will do, for now. We talked about everything under the sun, as usual, and its really wonderful that our topics were not constrained to asking her how she's doing in India and other small talk. My cousin just called recently from Australia--though the call was cut short due to another incoming call. I even had time to socialise on Saturday--going out with Hannah, then Woon Teng, Xin Min, Hui CHu, and Amanda on the day of the funfair. Unfortunately for the latter group, most of the stuff (esp food!) had been sold out by the time they reached, so they didn't really enjoy themselves until we went to Marche to have dinner later. Woon Teng and I went for a Tarot reading for one dollar that was surprisingly and unexpectedly accurate for me. I ate a lot and bought a book for one dollar that I discovered I already possessed when I reached home.

I'm supposed to go out with the class today, but I woke up late and I'm really too lazy. I really must commend Glenda, Cheryl, Eugene, Loyalle, SIn Yee for being at the booth almost all day at the fair. Admittedly, I didn't do much on Saturday, though I made many pots of jelly the day before. Overall it was great.

The periwinkle I bought for $22 is in full bloom, and its really pretty. I'm glad my mum loved it (or I'll have to think of another mother's day present), because it negates the effort I took to carry it back. It was really quite hard, I had to take it all around orchard looking silly, it was damn heavy and I couldn't hang my arm down or the stems which were hanging out will be crushed, so I had to lift it up at an angle all the time. Really tiring, I tell you.

Best of all, my mum's getting better! Whatever therapy she's doing now is working, the pain is lessening and the doctor said probably in three to four weeks time she'll be completely cured. Let's hope so. Life is definitely getting better:)

It seems like this period has really made me aware of my emotions and depth of feeling for the people around me. A few days ago I dreamt that I died and came back as a ghost because I couldn't bear to leave my loved ones. So I just hung around--the emotions were very intense and when I woke up I wondered if ghosts exist, whether their reasons were the same as mine. We must treasure the people around us, while we still can:).

Sigh. I really miss my sister. I'm really not a MSN person.

I think its really ironic that the Iraqi guerilla groups are fighting to drive out a foriegn conqueror from their soveriegn state, yet they are called 'rebels', 'insurgents', even 'terrorists'. i suspect that we are subject to some form of reverse brainwashing by the newspapers...first was the wording, then the attempted portrayal of the leader as some religious fanatic. I truly emphatise with them--I can understand patriotism and their asofar their actions have not led me to believe that they are fighting back for anything other than Nationalism. Is it not obvious, from the careful selection (and release of hostages), and target groups that they truly believe they are doing it for a cause?

i shall talk about yesterday in another post. Too tired.